I forgot to post these here. Whups. Got them done back in April-ish? :-) Finally... and now I want more!
In photo: Left (right wrist): Compassion, Right (left wrist): Love. Each with lotus flowers under the characters which symbolizes rebirth and renewal.
My brother's friend is a Chinese Medicine doctor! He studied with one of the best doctors in Florida and he now does this for only friends and families. I saw him today and he prescribed me a week's worth of medicine to brew. I just drank my 1st evening's dose... OMG so bitter. SO SO SO BITTER. Seriously so glad I have some chocolate to counter balance the yuck in my mouth. I hope this helps me. I am so tired of being sick all the time. My immune system blows chunks. Here's to hoping.
"Oopsies... my red unmentionable is showing..."
I cleaned, scrubbed and semi-organized! Gave away a car trunk load of clothes!
More to do, more to do!
Even cooked for friends on Sat night and went shopping on Sunday night too.
More to do more to do!
I will get my haus cleaned up this week, I hope. :)
I did a good deed today and made a homeless man cry. It was quite touching really.
I was on my way to work after I got off the bus. At the cross walk, I saw a man standing at the light desperately asking passerby's "I just need 15 cents..." and everyone just ignored him. I first passed him but felt the energy of how sad he was and turned back around after taking 3 steps. I pulled out my wallet and gave him $3 and started asking him questions. He said this is like the first day in Seattle. He came from Arizona and is on his way to find his daughter and needed to get to Olympia, WA. He started crying and said that I was the first person that was nice to
him. I gave him a hug cuz he looked like he could use one. He told me he hadn't eaten anything in 2 days. I said, why do you need the 15 cents for? He said he needed to make 50 cents so he can buy popcorn. :( I said, you know what, let me take you to get breakfast. He at first didn't want to because he didn't want to beg and he said I didn't need to do that for him. I told him I wanted to and he needs food to have energy to keep on his quest. I took him to a breakfast nearby and had him pick what he wanted to eat. We got him a corned beef hash full breakfast with eggs and toast. He kept asking me why am I doing this? I showed him my new tattoos of Love & Compassion and said that we are all connected, that I don't have to, but I want to. He then ask me if I was Christian. I said, no, I'm a Buddhist. He was surprised and said, wow. I gave him $5 more to help him get bus passes to get to Olympia. While he was waiting for his breakfast, I said goodbye to him cuz I was already late for my 9:30 meeting. I wished him luck on finding his daughter. He was so touched that he started crying again. I almost cried too but I had to get to work so I didn't let myself get teared up. It felt great to be able to help a soul. We are all very fortunate and if you can help someone out, please do. Every little bit helps.
It's the LOG song from Ren & Stimpy!!!
What rolls down stairs alone or in pairs
Rolls over your neighbor's dog?
What's great for a snack and fits on your back?
It's Log, Log, Log!
It's Log, Log, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood.
It's Log, Log, it's better than bad, it's good!
Everyone wants a log! You're gonna love it, Log!
Come on and get your log! Everyone needs a Log!
Log, from Blammo!
Been doing really well the last 6 months and the last time I saw my therapist (about a month ago), she and I decided that it is time to lower my anti-depressant dosage. I've been doing pretty well except for the last week. It's been a bit more difficult again to deal with the day to day emotional stuff. This depression thing is baffling to me. I know my life is going well and I am well loved and have tons of fun, but the chemistry in my brain makes it so that I don't feel good. How effe'd up is that?
I am telling you this so you know, and I know.
I continue to deal with life, at a lower dosage of meds because I was doing so good on a heavier dosage and now it's time to wear a less thick armor of coat around my heart / emotions.
It's the next stage in the evolution of healing and rid of depression once and for all.
But in the meantime, I am definitely more fragile emotionally.
I cried repeatedly today at work (quietly) while dealing with a friend over IM re some stupid drama.
I know that it wasn't a big deal but I couldn't help myself but cry cuz it felt so painful in my heart.
I literally have not cried like this in a while.
When a person deals with depression, these negative emotions get magnified.
It's really messed up and I have no control over it.
All I am doing is tapping into the love and compassion I have for myself and remembering that I am confident and able to deal with anything. I have before, I just have to learn to do it again until it becomes very natural to me.
I don't normally talk about this stuff because of a general lack of understanding around the issue of depression by pretty much everyone including myself. But I need to because it is healthier if I do.
I'm doing my best and forgetting the rest. Being good to myself. Being kind to myself. Loving myself. I will not forget to do these things even if the negative monster is trying to cover up everything with gloom. I will overcome this, and I am asking for your love and compassion for me and anyone that you know who is battling with depression.
That is all.
I need a change.
A major change.
I had been asleep for a while.
I had been asleep for too long.
My work laid off 30% of its employees last week, which included my two best friends at work.
Fuggg.
I think I'm gonna be laid off too.
Or something.
This isn't what I want.
I've been buying time.
I've always wanted to work for myself.
and I will.
I am tired of waiting.
Who the fuck am I waiting for?
Me.
Time to make a move.
In my pole dance classes, the last 15 minutes is usually saved for individual routine performances. These tiny recitals in front of other students are a terrific way to appreciate each other’s differences, and maybe your own. I’ve always had a very difficult time settling down my mind and be comfortable really dancing in front of anyone. I always felt like I had to put on a show… kinda like how my life really has been for me… for a long while now. To appease and hide anything negative.
Before I started my routine last night, my teacher spoke to me privately and advised me: less is more. She told me that I am a beautiful woman and don’t need any of that extra stuff to show it. Just do the basics and let the beauty flow out on its own. She asked to see the “real” Alix. I did exactly what she advised me to do and I chose to dance my routine to Sarah Bareilles’ “Gravity”. This had been a song that I loved to dance to alone, in the privacy of my own home. I hadn’t had the courage to dance to this song in front of others because the lyrics are very haunting to me and speaks honestly to how raw my heart still feels, almost 2 years after my breakup with my ex.
I took a deep breath and thought to myself how I preach "less is more" in my profession as a designer, yet I clutter up my very own projected image… why?
I walked slowly towards the wall as the first part of the routine.
Something always brings me back to you…
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
I took my time dancing and really tried becoming a part of the music. I am the tenderness of the rhythm. I am both the sadness and the power of the lyrics. I am beauty. I am grace. I am drawing on my memories to express the pain that I had been feeling.
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain
I touched my body as if I was feeling the aches that are still plaguing me. Babying them.
I sighed quietly as if I am finally able to breathe for the first time. Fresh air felt liberating.
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me
Why am I still so afraid to see myself? Why am I refusing to see myself?
Why do I hide behind the clutter that I fabricate?
I am afraid to let the authentic me to be seen by anyone, including myself.
I had been hiding her for the sake of protecting her and I have forgotten all about her.
Or where to look for me.
Oh, you loved me cuz I’m fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touched me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone
I have missed me, and didn’t realize how much I still do miss me.
I am tired of closing my eyes to myself.
So much so that I can’t even trust my emotional brain on who I see in the mirror as me anymore.
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me
Mourning the loss of what I once knew.
I want my dance movements to show my appreciation towards all I am able to feel.
Because I rather feel pain than nothing at all.
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
I want to convert all these emotions into a continuous dance.
I want to set myself free with these movements, with my femininity.
It’s OK to have curves. It’s OK to be me.
It’s fabulous to accept myself as I am.
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
Dear Alix, are you still here?
It’s me. Alix.
This morning on the bus ride to work, I quietly thought about my dance last night. It was the first time I was able to allow myself the completely freedom to feel.
It was the first time that I was really just dancing for me.
It didn’t matter if I was perfect in my routine or not.
It was perfect for the first time because I finally gave myself the chance to be me.
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on Useless