Tomboy Blues

In my pole dance classes, the last 15 minutes is usually saved for individual routine performances. These tiny recitals in front of other students are a terrific way to  appreciate each other’s differences, and maybe your own.  I’ve always had a very difficult time settling down my mind and be comfortable really dancing in front of anyone.  I always felt like I had to put on a show… kinda like how my life really has been for me… for a long while now. To appease and hide anything negative.  

Before I started my routine last night, my teacher spoke to me privately and advised me: less is more.  She told me that I am a beautiful woman and don’t need any of that extra stuff to show it.  Just do the basics and let the beauty flow out on its own.  She asked to see the “real” Alix.  I did exactly what she advised me to do and I chose to dance my routine to Sarah Bareilles’ “Gravity”.  This had been a song that I loved to dance to alone, in the privacy of my own home.  I hadn’t had the courage to dance to this song in front of others because the lyrics are very haunting to me and speaks honestly to how raw my heart still feels, almost 2 years after my breakup with my ex.

I took a deep breath and thought to myself how I preach "less is more" in my profession as a designer, yet I clutter up my very own projected image… why?

I walked slowly towards the wall as the first part of the routine.

Something always brings me back to you…
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

I took my time dancing and really tried  becoming a part of the music.  I am the tenderness of the rhythm. I am both the sadness and the power of the lyrics.  I am beauty.  I am grace.  I am drawing on my memories to express the pain that I had been feeling.

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

I touched my body as if I was feeling the aches that are still plaguing me. Babying them.
I sighed quietly as if I am finally able to breathe for the first time. Fresh air felt liberating.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Why am I still so afraid to see myself? Why am I refusing to see myself?
Why do I hide behind the clutter that I fabricate?
I am afraid to let the authentic me to be seen by anyone, including myself.
I had been hiding her for the sake of protecting her and I have forgotten all about her.
Or where to look for me.

Oh, you loved me cuz I’m fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touched me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone

I have missed me, and didn’t realize how much I still do miss me.
I am tired of closing my eyes to myself.
So much so that I can’t even trust my emotional brain on who I see in the mirror as me anymore.
 

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Mourning the loss of what I once knew.
I want my dance movements to show my appreciation towards all I am able to feel.
Because I rather feel pain than nothing at all.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

I want to convert all these emotions into a continuous dance.
I want to set myself free with these movements, with my femininity.
It’s OK to have curves.  It’s OK to be me.
It’s fabulous to accept myself as I am.
 

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long  

This morning on the bus ride to work, I quietly thought about my dance last night.  It was the first time I was able to allow myself the completely freedom to feel.

It was the first time that I was really just dancing for me.
It didn’t matter if I was perfect in my routine or not.  
It was perfect for the first time because I finally gave myself the chance to be me.

my open <3 is a young dove
with mending wings
and bruised courage
flying freely under the sun
hoping to find another
kind soul
to explore the world together
in harmony
weathering storms
or tornadoes
we shall always
have a companion
traveling through time

I accidentally busted my iPhone over the weekend by dropping it on the concrete road.  The volume control button is effed up and there is a giant crack on the top of the phone.  I took it to the Apple store earlier today.  The two gals that helped me answer some questions said I'd have to pay $199 for a replacement phone.  $199!!!!!  Because it's not due to normal wear and tear.  OK fine... so I went up to the Genius Bar guys and one of them helped me.  He did not charge me and gave me a brand new iPhone!  :D  WHOA!!!

I heart nerds.

and the man who wins my heart will know it too.

Until then, I'm dating myself.
I am not looking anymore.  Things will happen if they are meant to be.
Even then, I will continue to date myself, cuz I'm worth it.

Can this be possible?  I forgot to Vox it up for like the last like 2 weeks!

Ummmmmm oh!

Work is going great.
Love love love love not being a manager any more.
It's like a huge weight has been lifted off of me.
Only have to worry about myself is OSSM!!!

Been going to karaoke a lot - like every Wednesday.
Instigated "Suicide Wednesdays" where we can only sing songs we've never sung in public before.  The word "suicide" in karaoke means just that :) This is to encourage my friends and myself to find new songs to sing and expand :)  I'm going again this Saturday. Fun!

Still taking pole dance class. Love it.
Pulled a couple of muscles last night in class though.
Very sore today but worth it.

Signing up to become a p90x coach.
This is also to motivate myself to restart it again.
I want to become fitter again.
Been slacking on the working out department.
Body's been hurting more because of it.
Aging sucks.
Staying fit is anti-aging.

OK I'm gonna rest now. Hurts to type.

bye for now.

I heart this song.
So beautiful.

by Landon Pigg

I think that possibly, maybe I’m falling for you
Yes there’s a chance that I’ve fallen quite hard over you.
I’ve seen the paths that your eyes wander down
I want to come too…

I think that possibly, maybe I’m falling for you

No one understands me quite like you do
Through all of the shadowy corners of me

I never knew just what it was
About this old coffee shop I love so much
All of the while I never knew…
Ahh…

I think that possibly, maybe I’m falling for you
Yes there’s a chance that I’ve fallen quite hard over you.
I’ve seen the waters that make your eyes shine
now I’m shining too

Because, oh because
I’ve fallen quite hard over you

If I didn’t know you, I'd rather not know
If I couldn’t have you, I'd rather be alone

I never knew just what it was
About this old coffee shop I love so much
All of the while, I never knew
I never knew just what it was
About this old coffee shop I love so much
All of the while, I never knew

All of the while, All of the while it was you
You…
You…
You…

You haven't seen this, you must.  So funny.

The start up environment and I just mesh super well together.  I am so glad to be back.  So so glad.  GSC was killing me slowly.  They said they wanted someone with my experience and expertise but really, they wanted a politician.  It was also a boy's club where tenure at the company meant everything.  It was as if as soon as I entered the doors of GSC, none of my experience meant dick.  I had to justify everything with data to people who have no clue on how to build Websites, no experience on building/creating Websites, and no interest in using the type of Websites that we were trying to build.  How ridiculous is that?  It was a super well paying job but man, it was killing me inside. My happiness meter has totally recharged back up to top since I left GSC. :)

The new job has about 50 people in the entire company.  Provides free snacks of all sorts (chips, cookies, bananas, etc.), free drinks + beerz.  Plus, the type of work that I do is challenging and super fun.  I no longer manage people, which is really great cuz I now can focus on becoming a true leader in the high tech industry. Yay!

Remember back in junior high and learning Geometry?  Remember Theroms and Givens? 
Givens is just what it is, the data that you can use to prove a therom exists.  (OK, if I remember correctly cuz this is like over 20 years ago).

My sensors for givens have been pretty effed up so that when a guy is nice to me like any human is being nice to another human, in my head I think that they are being especially nice to me.  So, I'm trying to relearn what is the given of nice when it comes to being in a dating relationship.  Make sense?

I feel like since my revelation I have been going through a life makeover.  Starting with job, fitness, mental state, and of course, way I look at/think about things.  It's weird in a great way because all that anger I had harbored towards my ex has also gone away.  I no longer feel hurt when I think about him.  Yes, sadness, but in a good way, like anyone would be sad for saying goodbye to a third of their life.  Life is good again.  I am happy again - and not bouncing between the extreme highs and lows.  :)

Can you blame me?  This is seriously awesome.  Get yours at Gnagno!

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