Alixito’s Neighborhood

So much to say but nothing is said.

I've been writing a lot on my personal notepads while I'm at work. Since all I can do is read and/or write for the 8 hours I'm on the phone there, I've tried to make productive use of the time. I've trained myself back to my old speed reading levels, so I'm finishing one to one-and-a-half books per shift while also doing the daily newspaper crossword and writing assorted thoughts on my pads. The books I've been reading have helped to spur some thoughts along in my head. Where I thought I'd hit a stagnant valley in my mind I find that I was only restraining myself like a yoke on oxen.

I've held a lot of misdirected rage for a long period of time. At present I can honestly say that I have never felt calmer or more at peace with who it is that I am beneath all exteriors and veneers. I have come to terms with myself and what I have become and the things that I have done to reach this point. Not necessarily proud of the ways of which I have shat upon my potential, but I am satisfied that I have done what I thought was correct at the time. "Do the best we can with what we have," John Paul Jones once said, referring to a naval battle. I can only adhere to that in my own situation, going forth with what I have now.

"It's a hard row to hoe," as my grandmother would say, being 28 (and starring down the barrel of 29) and single and working in a nothing job and finding yourself floundering in everything you do. "Where does one go from here," I ask myself daily. I once held such promise. I was headed somewhere. How did I get myself mired in this... what turn did I take into this rut?

The whys and what ifs are a pointless exercise, I know, but that does not prevent me from engaging in them in moments of quiet. IT is too easy to fall prey to that habit, wondering how things might have been. As it is, I am alive. I take that for what it is worth and move on.

Disconnect #1:

Puddin's text message was simple: "J hung himself."

The implications are far more complicated. Puddin has the sense of relief that her ex-husband won't be stalking her anymore, that the past few years' nightmare of frivolous custody suits, unsent child-support, and threats has ended. The down side…how do you explain to a seven year-old that the father who has only been there sporadically is dead? How do you explain that this father loved you, but he hanged himself?

A few miles up I-75, my friend's daughter, Eliza, has coded four times in the past week. She's fighting for her life, fighting the way she's had to her entire 16 years. She's waiting on a heart-lung transplant, eager to grow up and have problems.

There's a disconnect somewhere in this world. How one person can hate life so much that he snuffs it, while another person has battled her entire 16 year life to stay alive--I wish we could just transfer the healthy life spark from one person to another. I mean, it would have been no big deal for J to code--he wanted to go. Let Eliza be up and walking around, and J could segue into wherever abusive bastards are sent afterwards.

Disconnect # 2:

A couple weeks ago, I was surfing around the interwebs, and I stumbled across the video of Bud Dwyer, then the Pennsylvania Treasurer, holding a press conference. After making a statement, in which he professed his innocence, he gave envelopes to three of his aides, then pulled out a .357 Magnum and shot himself in the head. BOOM! Right there on live TV. (you can link to the video from wikipedia's article on Bud Dwyer) All I could think of was, "That doesn't even look real."

The next night, I watched "Boys Don't Cry," in which the protagonist is shot under the chin. All I could think was, "Now THAT is what it's supposed to look like!"

It was vaguely discomfiting seeing an actual gunshot suicide happen; even more horrible was that I judged it as lacking compared to the special effects extravaganza in the movie.

Disconnect #3:

I've written before about my extreme dislike of X-mas, which I differentiate from Christmas. X-mas contains all the frenzy: shopping, parties, stress, presents, et cetera ad valium. Christmas is a pretty straightforward message of peace. Once again, I'm up to my ass in X-mas, and have been since Black Friday. Christmas will be fine and peaceful, but it only lasts a day. Is it worth it? All the madness and mayhem--just for one day where people are less dickish to one another?

Don't ask me that tonight.

Last night, I lay in bed thinking about my life. I've been depressed and alcoholic, where my first thought upon awakening each day was, "Oh, shit; again?" I've also been really sick, where I was 24 hours away from dying. As I lay there, I focused on my breathing, on the fact that I'm not battling for breath. I thought about my job. Yeah, it's stressful as hell this time of year, but it's not too bad. I thought about my people, about Team Punkin and my various partners in crime, about friends nearby and afar. I treasured that even though I'm not wealthy, I have a nice apartment I can afford. Even though it was muggy outside, it was cool inside. I was breathing on my own, without equipment to assist me or monitor me.

I thought how nice it would be if Eliza gets her ultimate Christmas gift, and if Puddin' and her son can find a little peace somewhere in this mad X-mas frenzy.

Tom has a pulse

Yeah, I know. You were all waiting with baited breath for my return. The 1 comment I'll get from samjohn999 trying to sell me some real estate in Cambodia or take part in the very safe and secure online spreadbetting that has recently made many millionaires will be all the proof I need.

Yes. I do thank God for my adamantium self-esteem daily. So there.

ANYWAY...Lots happened over the last two months, which is why the long absence from my blog. But I make it up by reporting much funny things and some amazing pictures from my recent trip to see my family in Africa.

So...I am now able to tell you dear readers that I now NO LONGER WORK! That is, I am now no longer employed by anyone to do anything for them that I don't want to do. I will be writing books, finally getting my hypnosis work that I have been doing for 4 years more mainstream and training in and occassionally teaching (when my friend Uldis is not doing it) the System, that awesome, awesome, cool amazing "martial art" (but really oh sooo much more than just that) I have been doing for a while now.

Some of you that care can go see more on that at WWW.WAYOFSYSTEMA.COM where you will find a rather simple site (which badly needs a revamp but I have no time or skills to do it and am hoping one of the other Systema guys will improve it sometime before 2012....)

So yeah!! I am no longer a slave of the system. For a little while anyway. I have a little money saved up for a year at least so the plan is to make enough money to survive (or even you know, buy a few islands, I don't mind being stupidly, obscenely rich, it's ok with me...) doing only what I want to do out of my own wish to do it, as opposed to having to in order to do luxurious things like have running water and food to eat in a nice apartment.

Those of you now turning green with envy please note that you are as much in a position to be doing what I am doing (sweet, sweet nothing) as I am or was. If you REALLY want to do so, I cannot suggest strongly enough that you read Vadim Zeland's book Transurfing Reality (There are three books but the first two are really enough and the last two are only available in Russian for now). More than anything it has certainly helped to shape my view of reality in a way that is really malleable by me, the operator of it. Sounds too Matrix-ish for you? Too bad. That's how it works and you should watch more SF movies anyway, it's good for you!

I also moved home and thus pay a cheaper rent, though that at the moment is REALLY cheap as I have stopped paying it altogether since more than 2 months after we moved in I STILL have boiler and electrical problems of a pretty serious nature (not to mention several other issues not as serious but certainly not fun to deal with). Let's see how long it takes the Estate agents to wake up now. In the meantime I am going about fixing these things myself now and I will simply not pay rent until I have it ALL sorted and then I will deduct all the costs as well as my time for sorting it all out and only THEN start paying rent again.

Every possible reasonable option has honestly been tried before this and at the end of it I have just lost patience with the utter fucking scandalous incompetence, stupidity and fucktard, brain-damaged-like inability to get any kind of half-decent service done in apparently the whole of greater London from people who take chunks of money from you for supposedly providing such non-existent service. 

I would list the incredibly long amount of retarded things I have been subjected to but I'll stick to a few highlights for your amusement:

• The leaky tap in the kitchen was supposedly visited by a plumber. It still leaks exactly the same as before so I asked if the next time the plumber can maybe also hold it and speak some comforting words to it as apparently just visiting it doesn't do the trick.

• Today the guy who supposedly sorted out the washing machine (but I haven't tried it yet so I seriously doubt he actually did anything successful on that appliance) suggested that the way to rectify the problem of the fridge door not staying closed was to "not put any bottles in the bottle holding part of the door". Actually since it's snowing in London I suppose really I should just throw all the stuff in the fridge on the balcony and hope for the best. Maybe even hope it snows enough to make an ice-box which will take us through the short summer like trappers of old in the Canadian wilderness. I somehow resisted the urge to ice-pick the "handy-man" and hang him from a hook off the balcony in case meat runs low in the harsh winter months.

• The boiler "knocking noise" and intermittent hot-cold water when showering is not due to any problem with our boiler. It's from another flat. Hyperdimensional physics must clearly be involved, but I guess it's a "need to know" thing because when I asked how in the name of anyone sane could an electrical problem in ANOTHER flat be affecting MY hot water supply I was not given an answer. Just repeated the same drivel above. I invited the estate agency's maintenance guy to come up here and see for himself. To be precise I told him to bring a towel because I would have pleasure in having him take a shower here to experience for himself the situation. I don't care if it sounded gay to him. At this point buggery is after all only about the 7th lowest item on the list of things I'd like to do to the whole of the "management" of the Estate agency and their employees responsible for them not fixing these issues over a period of 2-3 months.

So yeah...rent's gonna be real cheap around here for a while. I may have to live like a fur trapper of the 19th century but then again the Estate agency offices are literally just outside the apartment complex I live in, so if I ever run out of fresh meat I will just go ice-pick one of the proto-humans they employ and hang his/her carcass from my balcony for preservation purposes and good meat curing. They certainly don't seem to serve any other function so I assume they are a meat giving animal. Sort of like cows but stupider and less useful. And more full of shit which probably means they play havoc with the ozone layer.

In the meantime enjoy a picture of the view I have from my new office space I created inside the flat. That mild reflection is me and I am glad to say I actually have my PJ bottoms on...bonus!

DSC02227

After the hectic end of my work and move, Redhead Girl and I went on holiday for three weeks to South Africa, (Johannesburgh) though she also visited her oldest friend who now lives in Maputo and we also went to Cape Town and a resort bordering the Kruger National Park for a few days so we were actually in planes a whole bunch of times while there.

The trip was great and I also got to train with Vadim Dobrin who is a gentleman as well as being a deadly and funny guy. He was so cool he basically organised one class on a Saturday just for me with two of his top students (who are both younger, nicer people and better than me at Systema, but I feel I make up for it by being far more ornery, vicious and unpleasant than them in general life [which gives me immense satisfaction]* and knowing things about women and sex they will only discover if they become at least as debauched as I am and work hard at it for the next 50 years or so)**

Here's a few pics for you (and more later, including some of an Elephant in musk at about 15 metres from us):

They are (from left to right):

1. Redhead Girl silhoutted on Camps Bay beach

2. Me and my little brother after I just baptised him (with some sea-water, hence the crosses) "Aldo Libero" the first in my own sect of free people. Yes, I plan to have a religion named after me one day, it's all part of my plan to take over the world for my Martian brethren. This was at Yzerfontein where I have a couple of plots, one of which is now for sale for about R1,100,000.00 (roughly about £90,000) which considering it's about 200 metres from the Ocean and has guaranteed views and given the general prices in the area is actually a decent price, so if any of you want it, let me know. Broker fees would be on top of this.

3. Redhead girl looking sexy at Boulders, the Penguin colony, which she loved and where she took hundreds of pictures of the ridiculous and yet very cool penguins.

4. Redhead girl and me at Boulders again (Simon's Town).

Here is a couple more for you:

1. A Penguin suntanning. if you look you can see he has his eyes closed and little short feet propped up

2. Boulders beach. Exclusively for the use of Penguins so their small colony can be safe from human interference

3. Redhead girl at the Dias cross at Cape Point

4. My view for a lot of the time we were at the game resort

But since I know you're all waiting for the animal pics, here they are:

1. Ostriches at cape point. the males are black with white feathers and the females brown

2. Hippos at the golfing resort (I have never played golf, but the animals all over the range are cool)

3. Crock near the pond in the middle of the golf course. I had to get a little closer than you see Redhead Girl in the last pic as all these pics were taken with my camera phone, but he was sleeping so no problem really

4. Redhead Girl takin pic of the giant lizard

This post is becoming mammoth, so more pics of animals (including the Elephant one) in the next post after I eat dinner!

* Hey I get my pleasure where I can, don't judge.

** I'm not that old, it's just that there's lots of catching up to do for them in this area really. Way more than is healthy anyway.

"When a person is lucky enough to live inside a story, to live inside an imaginary world, the pains of this world disappear. For as long as the story goes on, reality no longer exists."
Paul Auster

The reality is that I am alone, and the pain of that reality just hit me like a thousand needles piercing my stomach as I said goodbye. It is going to be a long winter.

浮舟

I'm feeling surprisingly good this evening - without meds or alcohol to credit. I'm a little too awake for 1am but that's probably due to my 11p "dinner" (bread & cheese spread) and "un refresco de medico chili" (bottle of Dr. Pepper soda).

I suspect the improved mood (physically/knees, I'm still only so-so, though more good than bad) is due to admitting defeat on the work project and, mentally, giving up. It will get done or it won't. I didn't even want to hurt stupid people (a miracle!!), not even those who are making my job more difficult (wtf?!? who am I??). I genuinely don't care anymore. Since taking that to heart, I've been much more patient and happier and generally a pretty descent human to be around (well, as decent as I ever get). It's only been 2 days. But it's been a nice 2 days!

Having read that le Target is open late, I stopped in after work to pick up a power drill. I figured they're open till 11p so it was okay that I was swinging in at 10:15 but they're actually open till MIDNIGHT. I feel sorry for the staff - except I got out around 10:30 and the parking lot had cleared out pretty dramatically so they probably have slow work nights (at least this week). There were only 3 cashiers so it can't be too horrid... though probably worse for the people who have to restock & reorg.

My goal at Target was for a new power drill. Choices were the 9.6v drill for $18.99 or the 12v drill for $39.99. Both on sale. Would have loved the 12v but couldn't justify the extra $20. If I'm doing a project that needs more power, I should probably be having Adrian do it anyway (assuming he's still around - I haven't talked to him in months).

Of course, being Target, I also had to look at lingerie, pajamas, workout wear, and fat lady clothes. I thought about checking out the electronics and xmas depts but couldn't see any reason to put myself through that hell. Then I picked up deodorant, razor blades, hair gel, a couple sodas, and a card for giving cash to someone (my postal carrier. Yes, she deserves it.). I wonder what my total was - I didn't pay attention. I tried to find the new L'Oreal mascara with the short little brush (to see if that keeps me from getting mascara on the side of my face when doing the outer lashes) but they were out. Target's makeup dept SUCKS. At least at all the locations around here. Always looks like it's just been ravaged... 90% out of stock and the remaining 10% is a disaster area.

I really wish Target sold booze cause I would have liked some tonight (though not any of the 12 million kinds I already have in the house).

I got home and my Old Navy order had been delivered and EVERYTHING (8 shirts) FIT. Probably cause I mostly bought size "2xl maternity" (my tummy looks preggers and, sure enough, those shirts fit me well - and accent my boobs!!). I really love the sweater I bought - glad I thought (in my drunken state) to get it in 2 colors. Disappointed that I bought 3 shirts in pretty much identical styles/colors (bright magenta) but... oh well. I want to wear one of the sweaters to work tomorrow but it occurred to me that I don't have any clean, non-wrinkled, pants (cause clean laundry is in a pile on the floor). It will be fun to see what I work out in the morning!

The big box in the backyard (found last night) is clearly the auto cat litter box. I still haven't brought it inside. The box is HUGE... too much to deal with till I have more time. I don't want to let myself bring it nside cause I know me, it will take another 2 weeks to remember to drag the monster. Better to open it outdoors so the box goes from backyard straight to the recycling bin!

Am I still waiting for another order? Oh yeah... the clothes (pants, jacket and ??) from Newport News. I should probably also make up my mind about the 2 items I got from Hips & Curves (long skirt and a leopard robe/coat)... keep or return? I also have returns for Home Depot and Penny's in my car but I keep forgetting about them. I might remember, and have time, to do the HD return this Sun but I don't know when I'll make it to JCP.

Sooooo.... should be another relatively decent day at work tomorrow. I might even get out early (8p-ish) but I won't count on that. No plans till Sat. Whatever shall I do with a free evening... vacuum? put away laundry? sit on the sofa like a slug? **ding*ding*ding** - we have a winner!!!

Now for a musical interlude...

• 10:13 @timbennett37 congrats! It's about time! :) #
• 15:48 I don't think there is a much more tedious task than having to go in the post office. Especially during the holidays. #
• 15:50 @dearbarbz I didn't know there were still any of those out there! #
• 23:47 So ready for bed. #

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Last night I had a nightmare about The Canadian. He showed up and started pestering me, begging me to come back and that he loved me all along. I just kept pushing him away and saying, "Get away from me! It's too late."

I know exactly why I dreamt of him too. Because of this. And maybe because around this time last year The Canadian and I were planning our New Year's escape.

I was talking to my stylist about why He stands out from all the other guys I've dated/had a fling with. The most important - He wants to be with me. That's it. In the past I've always been attracted to the guys who, yes, like me but for one reason or another can't be with me. Let's list it out, shall we?

Loathe:

• Driving home at 11p thinking little more than, "OMG, I'm soooo hungry!!" (I usually only eat at 1p)

• Having "dinner" (soup) at 11:30p
  

• Waking up with heartburn (side effect of soup at 11:30p). Also: Going to bed with heartburn (doesn't happen often but kicked in while I was typing this

• The inflatable skiing black Santa lawn decoration appears to be gone; replaced by an inflatable skiing penquin Santa before I got a pic

• Not catching myself before screaming from knee pain induced by the elevator settling onto my requested floor (man, that's some serious hyper sensitivity! other than that moment, I'm mostly doing okay.)

• Earliest appt I could get at the DMV, for my handicap placard, is Jan 12 (even that took 4 phone calls and 15 minutes of holding but the girl who answered was really super nice)

• My house is a disaster area. Funny how that can happen so fast. It was okay for 3 weeks without cleaning but in the last 1.5 weeks, it's gone to hell.

• Ants - just enough for me to know they're invading but not enough for me to figure out what they're after, nor their main route into the house.

• The song I heard on KCRW this morn that is a total rip off of Adam & the Ants, Kings of the Wild Frontier. The lyrics are different but it uses the EXACT drum lines from that song. But no one gave any credit to A&tAs and, instead, acted like it was some great new song. PAH!!
  

• Headaches

• Not gonna make it to the chiro in the morn which leaves, I think, only Fri or Sat morning this week.

• DeStressing after realizing I'm so burnt out at work that I have to stop pushing myself so hard (for the last 2 weeks, I've been getting 12 to 15 hours of work done during every 8 hours I've been in the office)

• Skipping meetings because (1) I no longer care how they turn out and (2) I refuse to be baited into more fights with the s/w guy. I finally snapped at him last week, for expecting me to do his job, and simultaneously lost so much respect for him that I try not to even look at, let alone speak with, him.
  

• I did NOT ask that same s/w guy (who's at least as old as me), "Ya gonna cry about it, crybaby?!" (He was having such a little fit about something that didn't even involve me (but he was still trying to get me to fight it with him) that it really did seem like he was going to cry. I don't know where the bully in me came from - that's new and I'm glad I didn't let it out.) Instead, I just kept saying, "It's not my document, I haven't even read it; go talk to the person who wrote it!"
  

• Some mornings, I wake up with all 4 cats in bed with me and none of them are fighting (Boo still REALLY hates Skritches)
  

• I recognized the Art Theater (a Long Beach landmark) in the SeroquelXR ads. I was 99% certain I was right but tonight I caught the address on the ticket booth, looked up the addy for the Art, and confirmed its the same. If you've seen the ads, the space on the left is a coffeshop and on the right is a wine bar.
  

• The SeroquelXR ads perfectly describe how I've been feeling (INVISIBLE). I don't plan to take the drug but it's nice to be reminded that I'm not alone.

• Royal Crown Review is the opening act for the Brian Setzer Xmas show this weekend (If you read about Brian going to ER on Mon night, I just found an update that it was only dehydration/vertigo/altitude sickness. He's okay now.)
  

• My boss got a big kick out of the cat calendar (paintings by Art & Tea) that I gave her

• There is a HUGE box (delivered by FedEx) in my backyard. Dunno if it's the automatic cat litter box (from Amazon) or my clothes (from Old Navy) cause it was too large for me to bother with at 11:30pm.
  

• 3 floater holidays next year

• Garfunkel and Oates were on Leno last night (singing a new song about annual holiday newsletters), were really good, and were a big hit with the audience

• I got a TON done at the office today - way more than I expected and only 2 hours of OT (which were an accident because I was "in the zone")
  

• Since I'm no longer worried about how much I accomplish at the office, I don't feel a need to be awake/alert all the time, so I figure I can go back on Cymbalta whenever I want. That should, hopefully, mellow me out mentally/emotionally (which I REALLY need it; even I know I've been a total and complete BITCH for the last month), and provide daily pain management.
  

• aussieBum (fun attitude, sexy undies, soft ultra-touchable undies, and SUPER sexy models). Their constant facebook updates (usually with pictures) make me happy while I'm at work. NOTE TO ALL GUYS: Seriously... buy a pair! Your partner (female or male) will thank you!!
  

• I'm thinking of buying this Pearls Before Swine coffee mug (can't quit commit to it yet cause s/h seems disproportionately high... so the $15 mug ends up being $23, which is too much to spend on a mug). Those of you playing along at home may recognize the cartoon as one of the pieces artwork currently hanging on my office wall.
  

• 00:54 Just found out Verne Troyer was in the first Harry Potter movie. Weird. #
• 09:47 @dearbarbz sneak it in under your robes, and have on silent :) #
• 17:39 To enter to win $300 of goodies RT this tweet and make sure you're following us. That's it! We'll pick a winner at 9:30 PM ET @DailyMakeover #

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There's this mom at the C's school. We'll call her Shelly.

Shelly is the proud, married nonworking mother of a 10 year old boy and a six-almost-seven year old girl. The girl's name some might think pretentious; others might think charming. I think it's cute, given the girl. It is the last name of a very famous rock star.

Shelly is probably four or five years my senior. She has blond hair and a rock that must give her left hand some serious carpal tunnel syndrome. She can dress up but is most often in her uniform of jacket, sweats, some sort of slide-on shoes, hat, etc. Hair ranges from "done" to seriously "undone". Much like mine, I suspect.

Shelly is known to me primarily for dislodging little salvos at the most odd times. Here are examples of Shellyisms:

Shelly: "Hey, [DD], is [C] really turning 8 this year? Can you change his birthday date and time?" (this in response to the evite sent out by C's dad. He sent it out announcing C turning 8 (um, 7!) and it was sent out two days after ANOTHER evite for EXACTLY THE SAME TIME AND DATE for another boy in the C's class). 

Me: I explained to her that this year was not "my" year for the big birthday party, that I had pointed out the overlap to them, and no, C is turning 7.

Shelly: "Well, nexft year you can pay for the pony rides I guess. Each year you have to up the ante, and do something better than the previous... especially in your case".

...two weeks later...

Shelly: "So, [DD], how was [C]'s birthday?" Me: "I don't know. Like I said, it wasn't my turn"

Shelly: "Hey, [DD], are you going to be at the PTSA Christmas Party?"

Me (having replied on the Evite "No" at least a week prior): "Oh, sorry, I can't make it"

Shelly: "Oh that's ok, we'll all talk about you anyway."

Shelly says these things with a completely straight face and, it must be said, with a charming lack of concern. Her comments bring to light that you are required by the social norms here to up your birthday fabulousness each year for your child (C's was at the Cougar Mountain Zoo, I understand, complete with Santa and Reindeer), and if you don't show up to PTSA events you are thereby forfeitting your right to rebuttal on any comment made about you, you doc-marten-and-jeans-wearing single-mom hussy!

And I believe her, too.

On both counts.