pho with flank steak from a place by my house. Dessert will be at Puka bar.
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after her performance of Strip Search at S Factor's LA studio.
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Today was Mike's funeral. I went to the pre-cemetary memorial service, in a church. I like churches, for the most part, they have art and architecture and in their best light are a gathering place of people. Today the people were in shades of grey and black, somber for the most part. Some attendees treated it like a reunion, there were fleeting jovial moments tempered by the memory of what brought everyone together. Pictures of Mike in various stages of his recent life surrounded the entryway to the interior of the church: Mike and his helicopter, Mike in his uniform, Mike working on the helicopter, Mike and his wife Anita and their son Riley.
Riley is C's age. He meandered around but was never far from his mother. The gravity of the occasion may have tempered a typical "boy" reaction but at the same time he wasn't particularly teary. The occasional grin and introduction to some family friend or relative you could tell he hadn't seen in years peppered his pre-funereal experience.
I spent the ceremony crying quietly. Ween didn't cry all that much but, as she told me, she did her crying the last few days. I think she's numb, and I think she's probably got some more cry in her. Me, I hadn't cried yet. I cried and cried and cried, as his friends talked about their "Monty" (our "Mike") and brought up all of the traits we remembered him having way back when: the quick reply, the sense of honor, the expectations he had of himself and others that could not be compromised. All I could think about was here is his wife and child, who would not have him in person ever again. They would have pictures, they would have memories, they would have tokens of "honey" and "daddy".
A funeral is for those left behind; Mike is either in a blackened oblivion or in a happy afterlife (and never do I get closer to wishing I had the capacity for religion as when I want there to be an afterlife for those departed). His wife is left behind and his son is left behind and now the question is how their life will change, irretrievably and irrevocably.
It makes me look at all of my daily problems and classify them as petty and stupid.
I came home and decided I would not go to book club. I cleaned a bit, which I find a sense of comfort in, and I sewed a bit (a Luke Skywalker costume I'm making for the C).
I'm enjoying, and appreciating, the quiet.
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I have so much to read and so little time... Books piling up for school and for my personal reading. I wish I could read faster.
I read a poem last night at Revolution Books, I really like being there. I love having a space downtown where I can escape the university environment I am beginning to hate. It's hard to imagine my goal of being in graduate school for several more years. I am very tired of the institution and the focus of it all, the goals of the university. I feel like it is turning most of the students into useless office workers that will be victim to the oppressive capitalist system. I want to escape it so badly, but each day it gets harder and harder to see beyond the dollar signs. A creative career is a terribly rare thing.
Sometimes I just want to shut myself up into my room and forget the rest of the world. Well, sometimes I do exactly that.
I promised I would spend next Tuesday night with someone who destroys me and drains me, so I am about to face a trying week. I am spending tonight with Ryu, looking forward to seeing him, but I have some things to do in the meantime. I am preparing myself, reading and getting ahead before Tuesday and the subsequent empty days it will cause.
- 12:26 Saw a sign to rent goats for $50/month. Can someone explain why you would rent a goat? #
- 12:27 Dear creepy old guy, please stop waving at my baby from the next lane over. Thanks. #
- 21:03 @jnjackson that's the only thing I could think of haha. #
- 21:52 Something is wrong with my hip. I sound like I'm 80... #
- 23:01 Going to try to get some sleep. So tired. #
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nothing obvious. No pneumonia - that's good. I'm getting a breathing treatment.
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Ok, I'm a litttle late, it's Friday...
Love:
Gabby and I are feeling better.
I'm slowly starting to taste my food again.
Gabby has brushed her teeth before bed 2 nights in a row.
Seattle has a couple of clear and sunny days.
My pedicure and how pretty my toes look.
Airborne.
Loathe:
I woke up last night and heard thunder and wanted to cry! I was scurred!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was really sick on Halloween so I missed my Zumba party.
My underwear is old. LOL
this is the one i meant to send earlier
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- 11:02 Dear Universe: STEP AWAY FROM BLANCHE DEVEREAUX. CAPS LOCK SAYS I MEAN IT. - H bit.ly/QUOtD (via @fuggirls) #
- 11:10 Poor news man. His voice just cracked twice in 30 seconds. He then struggled to remain composed. #
- 11:42 Wondering when L will appreciate that he gets to take a nap during the day. I hope sooner than later. We'll both be happier #
- 15:43 @jnjackson so by the time he likes them it will be no benefit to me haha. #
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