5 posts tagged “compassion”

It's so weird to think that a year ago today we were still married and I was still the dumb girl in love pretending that he still loved me pre-shit hit the fan Hawaiian vacation and crying anger fest.  I took him to our favorite (and very expensive) sushi restaurant for his 37th birthday, surprised him with special order dvd of this kooky show Let's Bowl, a KISS Destroyer record that I found, and The Police tickets.  Thinking back, my gifts to him were all very thoughtful and music-oriented to support his endeavors.  The Police concert was not as fun as I hoped since it occurred after we got back from Hawaii and he showed no affection towards me and was on his wooshy washy I don't know if I want to try at this marriage but I still love you but not in love with you rampage.  It was a very awkward and a desperate time in my life and I still remember how I felt like I was like fish out of water trying to suck air but couldn't.

It's so strange to see and live where my life is today compared to a year ago.  A year ago I thought I was going to try to start a family with Rocker.  A year ago, nothing else mattered except for him.  A year ago I had been dying inside and falling to the depth of depression even further.  A year ago I was physically weak and unhealthy and suffered almost daily migraines.  A year ago, my world as I knew it fell completely apart.

I still remember Rocker telling me how he asked for his boss' advice on our marriage and his boss said "if it's meant to be it's meant to be."  This came from a man that had his family living in Philly while he worked in Seattle... a man that invited Rocker out every night to talk business and got drunk with Rocker until dawn.  I remember thinking, wow, "if it's meant to be?"  and told Rocker that that is something someone say when they want to give up or when things are completely over to make themselves feel better.

Almost a year later now and I am still recovering.  He was the love of my life.  He was my best friend.  Today we're merely acquaintances that chit-chat lightly about our ex-co-owned pets and money issues that arise due to the divorce.  How strange it is that someone was an integral part of your world is no longer?

I feel like I've risen from the dead, I have been reborn.  Parts of me are still renewing itself and parts of me are still recovering slowly from the anguish, the pain, the betrayal, the deliberate hurt, the yearning, the grief.  I've done a tremendous amount of thinking and I believe a tremendous amount of growth. I still don't have all my shit together but I know I am constantly getting better.  I make mistakes but I try to not repeat them and learn from them.  I love myself now for the first time ever and I can say it without crossing my fingers.  I believe that love does conquer all and compassion is the key to deep understanding and trust.

The divorce is perhaps a blessing in disguise.  Everything happens for a reason that we may not comprehend at the time.  Even with all the trauma I still wouldn't change a thing.  I needed a wake up call and I am thankful that I was able to recognize the opportunity for growth within.  I am doing all the things that I didn't think I was going to be able to accomplish when I first moved out in October.  I am having fun.  I am enjoying life.

He told me recently he was very lonely and I feel very sad for him.  He had it all but didn't want to look within to figure out how to fill his void.  He looked outward and found much distractions to instantly satisfy.  He was a very good person when I met him and has changed into someone I do not recognize the last 2 years.  He's still a good person I think and hope that he's finding his way back.  Part of me will always love him and as a friend, I wish him a very happy birthday and I hope that he finds true happiness in life.

Lately I've been feeling really super duper, especially after moving to my new place.  I am getting a lot of stuff done, unpacking, organizing, and working out regularly.  I kinda feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me since I've got my own place... all mine.  I feel "me" in it and I get to make it even more "me". 

I had dinner with D-Man last night and I was telling him how back in last August when he was consoling me and telling me that I will feel a lot better down the road, I was very skeptical.  But he was right, I am feeling a lot better.  In fact, I am wondering if I will actually be able to live with anyone again now that I enjoy so much of having my own place to go to without the distraction of another person or their things, their rules, their expectations.  I understand how people would be protective of their own space now where I didn't understand before.  It is in a way giving up much freedom (but I also understand the trade-offs is worth it if you're ready).  Right now, I'm definitely not ready for the trade-offs.  I have been given this opportunity to really grow into my own skin, realize my full potential, and have lots of silly good times with no obligations to anyone but me (and my little doggie). 

A few friends of mine are working at this startup www.teachstreet.com and through it I was able to find some very interesting local classes that I've always wanted to participate in.  Tonight, I am signing up for the Introduction to Hip Hop Class and possibly a sewing class (I have a sewing machine but forgot how to use it).  I want to create art just for fun and just for me again like I used to do.  Additionally, I want to plant some flowers in my little yard. There is just so fulfilling about growing something directly into the Earth.

In a way, I feel like I am living in the moment more easily than I ever did before.  I am much happier than I ever was and I think it has a lot to do with having a greater understanding of myself and practicing looking at living beings and situations with compassion.  Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days when I think about the uneventful stuff, but I feel like I can deal with it much better as I look at it from the perspective of love. The Dalai Lama is so my hero.

Seriously.  I've been having mini freak outs in my head and not getting any packing done.  I am moving in FIVE days.  FIVE!  Out of those FIVE days I am working THREE of those days.  I've pretty much slept all of Saturday (except for taking Solo to vet then drop her off at boarding school and then going back to vet to pick up meds for her and dropping it off again - she has round worms).  Then I got my ass up at 6pm to do some long overdue poo patrol in the backyard (my least favorite chore) then got myself ready to go meet a few friends for drinks at the W hotel downtown.

This morning, I slept in until 11am and tempted to workout but couldn't finish... probably cuz I am super hungry.  I am looking around at my place and the amount of stuff I need to get done. 

OK, new perspective --

• 1/2 of the shit is already packed since they never got unpacked
• the other 1/2 of the shit can easily be packed and organized or tossed away
• there is only 1 room left to paint because the new tenant asked to paint the other room by themselves

I can do this.  I packed up all my shit from the Snoqualmie house in one day.  I CAN DO THIS.

Somewhere inside of me wants to cry right now.  The utter sadness of it all.  Saying goodbye is never easy, even if it is to a life that was not fulfilling or happy.  It is still a part of you.

New perspective --

• Get to have my very own place and create brand new memories
• Get to decorate how I want it
• Get to create and architect my new life
• Have lots of supportive friends and family that love me
• I can do this, do it well, and have fun
• I've learned so much from the experiences that the hurt/pain has allowed me to feel, love, and be compassionate towards myself
  

Yah, I can so do this. 

Passage for today from "The Places that Scare You" by Pema Chodron:

As Albert Einstein pointed out, the tragedy of experiencing ourselves as apart from everyone else is that this delusion becomes a prison.  Sadder yet, we become increasingly unnerved at the possibility of freedom.  When the barriers come down, we don't know what to do.  We need a bit more warning about what it feels like when the walls start trumbling down.  We need to be told that fear and trembling accompany growing up and that letting go takes courage.  Find the courage to go to the places that scare us cannot happen without compassionate inquiry into the workings of ego.  So we ask ourselves, "What do I do when I feel I can't handle what's going on?  where do I look for strength and in what do I place my trust?"

The Buddha taught that flexibility and openness bring strength and that running from groundlessness weakens us and brings pain.  But do we understand that becoming familiar with the running away is the key? Openness doesn't come from resisting our fears but from getting to know them well.

I am not running away today.  I am going to get to know my fears well... just like when a Jedi needs to get to know and understand the Dark Side in order to achieve the next level. 

1. See the Dalai Lama in person
   

This item will be crossed off on April 12 when I see His Holiness at Quest Field in Seattle for the Seeds of Compassion event.

Yaye!!!