24 posts tagged “growing up”

In my pole dance classes, the last 15 minutes is usually saved for individual routine performances. These tiny recitals in front of other students are a terrific way to  appreciate each other’s differences, and maybe your own.  I’ve always had a very difficult time settling down my mind and be comfortable really dancing in front of anyone.  I always felt like I had to put on a show… kinda like how my life really has been for me… for a long while now. To appease and hide anything negative.  

Before I started my routine last night, my teacher spoke to me privately and advised me: less is more.  She told me that I am a beautiful woman and don’t need any of that extra stuff to show it.  Just do the basics and let the beauty flow out on its own.  She asked to see the “real” Alix.  I did exactly what she advised me to do and I chose to dance my routine to Sarah Bareilles’ “Gravity”.  This had been a song that I loved to dance to alone, in the privacy of my own home.  I hadn’t had the courage to dance to this song in front of others because the lyrics are very haunting to me and speaks honestly to how raw my heart still feels, almost 2 years after my breakup with my ex.

I took a deep breath and thought to myself how I preach "less is more" in my profession as a designer, yet I clutter up my very own projected image… why?

I walked slowly towards the wall as the first part of the routine.

Something always brings me back to you…
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

I took my time dancing and really tried  becoming a part of the music.  I am the tenderness of the rhythm. I am both the sadness and the power of the lyrics.  I am beauty.  I am grace.  I am drawing on my memories to express the pain that I had been feeling.

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

I touched my body as if I was feeling the aches that are still plaguing me. Babying them.
I sighed quietly as if I am finally able to breathe for the first time. Fresh air felt liberating.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Why am I still so afraid to see myself? Why am I refusing to see myself?
Why do I hide behind the clutter that I fabricate?
I am afraid to let the authentic me to be seen by anyone, including myself.
I had been hiding her for the sake of protecting her and I have forgotten all about her.
Or where to look for me.

Oh, you loved me cuz I’m fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touched me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone

I have missed me, and didn’t realize how much I still do miss me.
I am tired of closing my eyes to myself.
So much so that I can’t even trust my emotional brain on who I see in the mirror as me anymore.
 

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Mourning the loss of what I once knew.
I want my dance movements to show my appreciation towards all I am able to feel.
Because I rather feel pain than nothing at all.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

I want to convert all these emotions into a continuous dance.
I want to set myself free with these movements, with my femininity.
It’s OK to have curves.  It’s OK to be me.
It’s fabulous to accept myself as I am.
 

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long  

This morning on the bus ride to work, I quietly thought about my dance last night.  It was the first time I was able to allow myself the completely freedom to feel.

It was the first time that I was really just dancing for me.
It didn’t matter if I was perfect in my routine or not.  
It was perfect for the first time because I finally gave myself the chance to be me.

Remember back in junior high and learning Geometry?  Remember Theroms and Givens? 
Givens is just what it is, the data that you can use to prove a therom exists.  (OK, if I remember correctly cuz this is like over 20 years ago).

My sensors for givens have been pretty effed up so that when a guy is nice to me like any human is being nice to another human, in my head I think that they are being especially nice to me.  So, I'm trying to relearn what is the given of nice when it comes to being in a dating relationship.  Make sense?

I feel like since my revelation I have been going through a life makeover.  Starting with job, fitness, mental state, and of course, way I look at/think about things.  It's weird in a great way because all that anger I had harbored towards my ex has also gone away.  I no longer feel hurt when I think about him.  Yes, sadness, but in a good way, like anyone would be sad for saying goodbye to a third of their life.  Life is good again.  I am happy again - and not bouncing between the extreme highs and lows.  :)

I welcome the change.
I need the change.
For the better.

Starting to get closure.
Even if it hurts.
Closure is good.
Cuz I don't want to keep looking back
and fall because I am trying to move forward.

Tomorrow is another day
without any mistakes in it, yet.

I only have one for this year:  No more self-destructive behaviors.  Seriously no more.  How many times do I need to break my head to realize that beating my noggin against a rock is stoopid?

NO MORE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS IN 2009.

While I was on the beach in Kauai, I listened to this song over and over again and reminded me of the heartaches in my last relationship. I said goodbye to the pain and "let go".  It was a way for me to reclaim my life, reclaim Hawaii (as the year prior my heart was shattered in Hawaii), and reclaim happiness.

You, you know how to get me so low
My heart had a crash when we spoke
I can't fix what you broke
You, you always have a reason
Again & again this feelin'
Why do I give in?
& I always was, always was one for crying
I always was one for tears

[ CHORUS ]
The sun's getting cold, It's snowing
Looks like an Early Winter for us
Looks like an Early Winter for us
An Early Winter
Oh I need you to turn me over

It's sad the map of the world is on you
The moon gravitates around you
The seasons escape you
& I always was, always was one for crying
I always was one for tears
No, I never was, never was one for lying
You lied to me all of these years

[ CHORUS ]

The sun's getting cold, It's snowing
Looks like an Early Winter for us
Looks like an Early Winter for us
An Early Winter
Oh I need you to turn me over

Why?
Why do you act so stupid?
Why?
You know that I'm always right

[ CHORUS ]
It looks like an Early Winter for us
It hurts & I can't remember sunlight
An Early Winter for us
The leaves are changing colour for us
& it gets too much, yeah it gets so much
Starting over & over & over again
& it gets too much, yeah it gets so much
Starting over & over & over again
& it gets too much, yeah it gets so much
It looks like an Early Winter for us

My very first real boyfriend ever (the guy that taught me how to kiss AND French kiss at 14), who is now my mortgage broker, called me today.  At first I thought he was checking up on me in terms of the loan services he had provided but then he's like, actually, I'm calling for an absolutely unrelated reason.

Apparently, he has a friend that saw my photos and profile on Facebook (the friend isn't on FB but saw it using Mortgage Broker's account) and really wanted to meet me.  MB told me all about his friend and how he actually thought that me and MB would really get along well as MB is very funny and is fun-loving.  He also said that if MB and I actually hit off then he and I can actually hang out again since I'll be this other guy's girlfriend and not MB's ex-girlfriend.  Hahaha, yah ok.  His wife, according to him, is a bit jealous and does not allow him to hang out with ex's.  So I said, why is she jealous of me?  YOU DUMPED ME in 10th grade for a 9th grader!  He's like WHAT?  I don't remember that.  I'm like yah, dude, you dumped me.  He's like I would never dump you. I'm like yah but you did, and you broke my heart.  He's like are you sure?  I thought you dumped me for that other guy (he's talking about my high school sweetheart).  I'm like, no, that guy and I didn't even go out until I was in 11th grade!  He's like OMG, I'm so sorry.  He's then all apologetic and we both laughed hard about it.  Hahah it was funny. :)

It's as if going to Hawaii in 2 days will be the end of an old chapter and the beginning of a new one.
It's a fantastic finale to a hard year and a fabulous way to start a new one.

In 2 days I shall be laying on the beach letting the sun burn away all my worries and letting the ocean wash away the hurt.  I am ready for a renewal trip with my awesome Caucasian twin.

I'm ready to leave the last year behind and take from it what I can to learn and better my life and circumstances with it.  I'm ready to fully embrace the unknowns of tomorrow.

There was this one profound quote from Kung Fu Panda:

Yesterday is history,
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift, and that's why it's called "the present".

Yaye :)

They are two very different things. Forgiving allows you to not be angry any more.  Forgetting is virtually impossible and makes it almost impossible to allow you to trust that person again (I say almost because anything is possible).  I heard the following song on Pandora and it's as if she is singing my story. Poignant lyrics.

What I Wouldn't Give by Holly Brook

Feeling like I can't forgive, but I want to
it's like I don't know how to live, I’m afraid to
I used to think take them as they come, without hesitations, no
now it's like my head is filled with lies, and persuasions

as the sun begins to fall I hear her calling out to me she's sayin' hurry it's one more day gone

what I wouldn't give just to forget
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

I am feeling dissonant, and distracted
the toxic chemicals are spilling in my head and they're bleeding deadly reactions

and as the moon begins to rise he shows me all the colors that I’m hiding I’m hiding myself

what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

am I desperately losing this fight
when I should really be choosing my flight
take me now

what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
what I wouldn't give just to forget
so I can remember how to live

POO!

I feel like Poo. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

Good thing I redeem myself by NOT smelling like poo.  In fact, I smell like Sweet Pea (with praises to Body Shops yummy body spray).

Went to my therapy session after work and discussed with my therapist my current state of health.
Basically I started getting sick much more often after I moved to my new place and we started leveling down the dose of my medication because I was doing much better.  It's as if I'm finally at a safety place that I am able to let my guards down as I have been at such a heightened alert stress level for so long.  It's as if I'm allowing myself to become more vulnerable again.

I'm doing the best I can and sometimes it's hard to remember that.
It's OK to feel vulnerable.

I was really sad because I miss the best friend I used to have.
I miss having someone to share everything with - good news, bad news, silly nothings.
I miss having someone to always pick up my phone call or message me back right away because I am just that important to him.

It's OK to miss those things.
I've been missing those things for a few years now -- well, since the beginning of the end of the marriage in 2003, and that was also what kick started my depression.

I cried for the last 15 minutes of the therapy session.  It felt good to be honest to myself about these things and really feeling the pain, the hurt, the sadness, and the loneliness.  It was OK to accept that I am still broken inside and the good news is that I am putting myself back together (and progress is showing).

With my sore throat, fever, and tummy ache, I took myself to a mall and bought myself a few things pretty.  Fuck it, I wanted to treat myself (although this can't always be the case cuz I need to be fiscally responsible and I haven't really been at all).

Picked myself up 2 mini skirts (one red, one black), one of them sexy one shoulder asymmetrical tops, and a hoodie (I'm a sucker for hoodies).  Additionally, I got myself facial sunscreen and some tooth whitener stuff that really works.

Got home, walked my adorable dog for 30 minutes.
Cleaned up my kitchen (which was a disastrous area), folded 4 loads of laundry (my least favorite chore).
Did some work, and here I am on Vox.

I think it's time for bed.  I have an 8am meeting (who the fuck schedules an 8am meeting on a Friday, or really, any day?).

Lately I've been feeling really super duper, especially after moving to my new place.  I am getting a lot of stuff done, unpacking, organizing, and working out regularly.  I kinda feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me since I've got my own place... all mine.  I feel "me" in it and I get to make it even more "me". 

I had dinner with D-Man last night and I was telling him how back in last August when he was consoling me and telling me that I will feel a lot better down the road, I was very skeptical.  But he was right, I am feeling a lot better.  In fact, I am wondering if I will actually be able to live with anyone again now that I enjoy so much of having my own place to go to without the distraction of another person or their things, their rules, their expectations.  I understand how people would be protective of their own space now where I didn't understand before.  It is in a way giving up much freedom (but I also understand the trade-offs is worth it if you're ready).  Right now, I'm definitely not ready for the trade-offs.  I have been given this opportunity to really grow into my own skin, realize my full potential, and have lots of silly good times with no obligations to anyone but me (and my little doggie). 

A few friends of mine are working at this startup www.teachstreet.com and through it I was able to find some very interesting local classes that I've always wanted to participate in.  Tonight, I am signing up for the Introduction to Hip Hop Class and possibly a sewing class (I have a sewing machine but forgot how to use it).  I want to create art just for fun and just for me again like I used to do.  Additionally, I want to plant some flowers in my little yard. There is just so fulfilling about growing something directly into the Earth.

In a way, I feel like I am living in the moment more easily than I ever did before.  I am much happier than I ever was and I think it has a lot to do with having a greater understanding of myself and practicing looking at living beings and situations with compassion.  Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days when I think about the uneventful stuff, but I feel like I can deal with it much better as I look at it from the perspective of love. The Dalai Lama is so my hero.