20 posts tagged “growing up”

While I was on the beach in Kauai, I listened to this song over and over again and reminded me of the heartaches in my last relationship. I said goodbye to the pain and "let go".  It was a way for me to reclaim my life, reclaim Hawaii (as the year prior my heart was shattered in Hawaii), and reclaim happiness.

You, you know how to get me so low
My heart had a crash when we spoke
I can't fix what you broke
You, you always have a reason
Again & again this feelin'
Why do I give in?
& I always was, always was one for crying
I always was one for tears

[ CHORUS ]
The sun's getting cold, It's snowing
Looks like an Early Winter for us
Looks like an Early Winter for us
An Early Winter
Oh I need you to turn me over

It's sad the map of the world is on you
The moon gravitates around you
The seasons escape you
& I always was, always was one for crying
I always was one for tears
No, I never was, never was one for lying
You lied to me all of these years

[ CHORUS ]

The sun's getting cold, It's snowing
Looks like an Early Winter for us
Looks like an Early Winter for us
An Early Winter
Oh I need you to turn me over

Why?
Why do you act so stupid?
Why?
You know that I'm always right

[ CHORUS ]
It looks like an Early Winter for us
It hurts & I can't remember sunlight
An Early Winter for us
The leaves are changing colour for us
& it gets too much, yeah it gets so much
Starting over & over & over again
& it gets too much, yeah it gets so much
Starting over & over & over again
& it gets too much, yeah it gets so much
It looks like an Early Winter for us

My very first real boyfriend ever (the guy that taught me how to kiss AND French kiss at 14), who is now my mortgage broker, called me today.  At first I thought he was checking up on me in terms of the loan services he had provided but then he's like, actually, I'm calling for an absolutely unrelated reason.

Apparently, he has a friend that saw my photos and profile on Facebook (the friend isn't on FB but saw it using Mortgage Broker's account) and really wanted to meet me.  MB told me all about his friend and how he actually thought that me and MB would really get along well as MB is very funny and is fun-loving.  He also said that if MB and I actually hit off then he and I can actually hang out again since I'll be this other guy's girlfriend and not MB's ex-girlfriend.  Hahaha, yah ok.  His wife, according to him, is a bit jealous and does not allow him to hang out with ex's.  So I said, why is she jealous of me?  YOU DUMPED ME in 10th grade for a 9th grader!  He's like WHAT?  I don't remember that.  I'm like yah, dude, you dumped me.  He's like I would never dump you. I'm like yah but you did, and you broke my heart.  He's like are you sure?  I thought you dumped me for that other guy (he's talking about my high school sweetheart).  I'm like, no, that guy and I didn't even go out until I was in 11th grade!  He's like OMG, I'm so sorry.  He's then all apologetic and we both laughed hard about it.  Hahah it was funny. :)

It's as if going to Hawaii in 2 days will be the end of an old chapter and the beginning of a new one.
It's a fantastic finale to a hard year and a fabulous way to start a new one.

In 2 days I shall be laying on the beach letting the sun burn away all my worries and letting the ocean wash away the hurt.  I am ready for a renewal trip with my awesome Caucasian twin.

I'm ready to leave the last year behind and take from it what I can to learn and better my life and circumstances with it.  I'm ready to fully embrace the unknowns of tomorrow.

There was this one profound quote from Kung Fu Panda:

Yesterday is history,
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift, and that's why it's called "the present".

Yaye :)

They are two very different things. Forgiving allows you to not be angry any more.  Forgetting is virtually impossible and makes it almost impossible to allow you to trust that person again (I say almost because anything is possible).  I heard the following song on Pandora and it's as if she is singing my story. Poignant lyrics.

What I Wouldn't Give by Holly Brook

Feeling like I can't forgive, but I want to
it's like I don't know how to live, I’m afraid to
I used to think take them as they come, without hesitations, no
now it's like my head is filled with lies, and persuasions

as the sun begins to fall I hear her calling out to me she's sayin' hurry it's one more day gone

what I wouldn't give just to forget
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

I am feeling dissonant, and distracted
the toxic chemicals are spilling in my head and they're bleeding deadly reactions

and as the moon begins to rise he shows me all the colors that I’m hiding I’m hiding myself

what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

am I desperately losing this fight
when I should really be choosing my flight
take me now

what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
what I wouldn't give just to forget
so I can remember how to live

POO!

I feel like Poo. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

Good thing I redeem myself by NOT smelling like poo.  In fact, I smell like Sweet Pea (with praises to Body Shops yummy body spray).

Went to my therapy session after work and discussed with my therapist my current state of health.
Basically I started getting sick much more often after I moved to my new place and we started leveling down the dose of my medication because I was doing much better.  It's as if I'm finally at a safety place that I am able to let my guards down as I have been at such a heightened alert stress level for so long.  It's as if I'm allowing myself to become more vulnerable again.

I'm doing the best I can and sometimes it's hard to remember that.
It's OK to feel vulnerable.

I was really sad because I miss the best friend I used to have.
I miss having someone to share everything with - good news, bad news, silly nothings.
I miss having someone to always pick up my phone call or message me back right away because I am just that important to him.

It's OK to miss those things.
I've been missing those things for a few years now -- well, since the beginning of the end of the marriage in 2003, and that was also what kick started my depression.

I cried for the last 15 minutes of the therapy session.  It felt good to be honest to myself about these things and really feeling the pain, the hurt, the sadness, and the loneliness.  It was OK to accept that I am still broken inside and the good news is that I am putting myself back together (and progress is showing).

With my sore throat, fever, and tummy ache, I took myself to a mall and bought myself a few things pretty.  Fuck it, I wanted to treat myself (although this can't always be the case cuz I need to be fiscally responsible and I haven't really been at all).

Picked myself up 2 mini skirts (one red, one black), one of them sexy one shoulder asymmetrical tops, and a hoodie (I'm a sucker for hoodies).  Additionally, I got myself facial sunscreen and some tooth whitener stuff that really works.

Got home, walked my adorable dog for 30 minutes.
Cleaned up my kitchen (which was a disastrous area), folded 4 loads of laundry (my least favorite chore).
Did some work, and here I am on Vox.

I think it's time for bed.  I have an 8am meeting (who the fuck schedules an 8am meeting on a Friday, or really, any day?).

Lately I've been feeling really super duper, especially after moving to my new place.  I am getting a lot of stuff done, unpacking, organizing, and working out regularly.  I kinda feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me since I've got my own place... all mine.  I feel "me" in it and I get to make it even more "me". 

I had dinner with D-Man last night and I was telling him how back in last August when he was consoling me and telling me that I will feel a lot better down the road, I was very skeptical.  But he was right, I am feeling a lot better.  In fact, I am wondering if I will actually be able to live with anyone again now that I enjoy so much of having my own place to go to without the distraction of another person or their things, their rules, their expectations.  I understand how people would be protective of their own space now where I didn't understand before.  It is in a way giving up much freedom (but I also understand the trade-offs is worth it if you're ready).  Right now, I'm definitely not ready for the trade-offs.  I have been given this opportunity to really grow into my own skin, realize my full potential, and have lots of silly good times with no obligations to anyone but me (and my little doggie). 

A few friends of mine are working at this startup www.teachstreet.com and through it I was able to find some very interesting local classes that I've always wanted to participate in.  Tonight, I am signing up for the Introduction to Hip Hop Class and possibly a sewing class (I have a sewing machine but forgot how to use it).  I want to create art just for fun and just for me again like I used to do.  Additionally, I want to plant some flowers in my little yard. There is just so fulfilling about growing something directly into the Earth.

In a way, I feel like I am living in the moment more easily than I ever did before.  I am much happier than I ever was and I think it has a lot to do with having a greater understanding of myself and practicing looking at living beings and situations with compassion.  Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days when I think about the uneventful stuff, but I feel like I can deal with it much better as I look at it from the perspective of love. The Dalai Lama is so my hero.

Seriously.  I've been having mini freak outs in my head and not getting any packing done.  I am moving in FIVE days.  FIVE!  Out of those FIVE days I am working THREE of those days.  I've pretty much slept all of Saturday (except for taking Solo to vet then drop her off at boarding school and then going back to vet to pick up meds for her and dropping it off again - she has round worms).  Then I got my ass up at 6pm to do some long overdue poo patrol in the backyard (my least favorite chore) then got myself ready to go meet a few friends for drinks at the W hotel downtown.

This morning, I slept in until 11am and tempted to workout but couldn't finish... probably cuz I am super hungry.  I am looking around at my place and the amount of stuff I need to get done. 

OK, new perspective --

• 1/2 of the shit is already packed since they never got unpacked
• the other 1/2 of the shit can easily be packed and organized or tossed away
• there is only 1 room left to paint because the new tenant asked to paint the other room by themselves

I can do this.  I packed up all my shit from the Snoqualmie house in one day.  I CAN DO THIS.

Somewhere inside of me wants to cry right now.  The utter sadness of it all.  Saying goodbye is never easy, even if it is to a life that was not fulfilling or happy.  It is still a part of you.

New perspective --

• Get to have my very own place and create brand new memories
• Get to decorate how I want it
• Get to create and architect my new life
• Have lots of supportive friends and family that love me
• I can do this, do it well, and have fun
• I've learned so much from the experiences that the hurt/pain has allowed me to feel, love, and be compassionate towards myself
  

Yah, I can so do this. 

Passage for today from "The Places that Scare You" by Pema Chodron:

As Albert Einstein pointed out, the tragedy of experiencing ourselves as apart from everyone else is that this delusion becomes a prison.  Sadder yet, we become increasingly unnerved at the possibility of freedom.  When the barriers come down, we don't know what to do.  We need a bit more warning about what it feels like when the walls start trumbling down.  We need to be told that fear and trembling accompany growing up and that letting go takes courage.  Find the courage to go to the places that scare us cannot happen without compassionate inquiry into the workings of ego.  So we ask ourselves, "What do I do when I feel I can't handle what's going on?  where do I look for strength and in what do I place my trust?"

The Buddha taught that flexibility and openness bring strength and that running from groundlessness weakens us and brings pain.  But do we understand that becoming familiar with the running away is the key? Openness doesn't come from resisting our fears but from getting to know them well.

I am not running away today.  I am going to get to know my fears well... just like when a Jedi needs to get to know and understand the Dark Side in order to achieve the next level. 

That is what the Tarot reader said on Saturday.

I am :)

and I am scared of getting hurt again.

With that said, I am looking forward to new beginnings.  No pain, no gain.  It is true in this case.

She also said some stuff that were scary true.  Like how she said "are you bored at work?" and "why are you putting off going back to school?  you should get on that."

Whoa.

I'm also reading more of the book "The Places that Scare You" by Pema Chodron.  The latest thing that I read in there is that a lot of people are addicted to falling in love... or that feeling you get at the very beginning phase of falling in love.  It's sad because then you can never achieve a deeper meaningful love/relationship.  That is why so many infidelity problems occur.  It's like taking a lick of each different flavor of lollipops but never get to the yummy gum center where the really good stuff is.

Yah, I want the real thing or none at all.

Yes.

I am so happy about my upcoming move to my new place and really start living a new lifestyle.
I am so sad about selling the last big piece of what Rocker and I had together.  9 years we've owned this house together, out of that, we lived in it for 3.5 years.  It was the longest stay at one place during the course of our relationship.  We were very happy here and had a lot of fun.

I need to move on.  I want to move on.  I cried really hard today in therapy as I was relating this.  I haven't really cried much in March... guess it's long overdue.

After the move and the sales of the current house (I hope it's fast), I will really be able to start fresh.

The builder counter offered and I accepted :D I think I got a great deal!
Now that I've drank a glass of ume plum wine to celebrate, I can freak out about how much I have to do between now and 2 weeks when I put my house on the market to sell... and then there is the what if it doesn't sell in time...

OMG OMG OMG

I'm still very stoked about this.  So many of my friends are so encouraging about my move.  Everyone says that Wallingford is a great neighborhood.  Yaye!!!