14 posts tagged “happiness”

In my pole dance classes, the last 15 minutes is usually saved for individual routine performances. These tiny recitals in front of other students are a terrific way to  appreciate each other’s differences, and maybe your own.  I’ve always had a very difficult time settling down my mind and be comfortable really dancing in front of anyone.  I always felt like I had to put on a show… kinda like how my life really has been for me… for a long while now. To appease and hide anything negative.  

Before I started my routine last night, my teacher spoke to me privately and advised me: less is more.  She told me that I am a beautiful woman and don’t need any of that extra stuff to show it.  Just do the basics and let the beauty flow out on its own.  She asked to see the “real” Alix.  I did exactly what she advised me to do and I chose to dance my routine to Sarah Bareilles’ “Gravity”.  This had been a song that I loved to dance to alone, in the privacy of my own home.  I hadn’t had the courage to dance to this song in front of others because the lyrics are very haunting to me and speaks honestly to how raw my heart still feels, almost 2 years after my breakup with my ex.

I took a deep breath and thought to myself how I preach "less is more" in my profession as a designer, yet I clutter up my very own projected image… why?

I walked slowly towards the wall as the first part of the routine.

Something always brings me back to you…
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

I took my time dancing and really tried  becoming a part of the music.  I am the tenderness of the rhythm. I am both the sadness and the power of the lyrics.  I am beauty.  I am grace.  I am drawing on my memories to express the pain that I had been feeling.

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

I touched my body as if I was feeling the aches that are still plaguing me. Babying them.
I sighed quietly as if I am finally able to breathe for the first time. Fresh air felt liberating.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Why am I still so afraid to see myself? Why am I refusing to see myself?
Why do I hide behind the clutter that I fabricate?
I am afraid to let the authentic me to be seen by anyone, including myself.
I had been hiding her for the sake of protecting her and I have forgotten all about her.
Or where to look for me.

Oh, you loved me cuz I’m fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touched me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone

I have missed me, and didn’t realize how much I still do miss me.
I am tired of closing my eyes to myself.
So much so that I can’t even trust my emotional brain on who I see in the mirror as me anymore.
 

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Mourning the loss of what I once knew.
I want my dance movements to show my appreciation towards all I am able to feel.
Because I rather feel pain than nothing at all.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

I want to convert all these emotions into a continuous dance.
I want to set myself free with these movements, with my femininity.
It’s OK to have curves.  It’s OK to be me.
It’s fabulous to accept myself as I am.
 

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long  

This morning on the bus ride to work, I quietly thought about my dance last night.  It was the first time I was able to allow myself the completely freedom to feel.

It was the first time that I was really just dancing for me.
It didn’t matter if I was perfect in my routine or not.  
It was perfect for the first time because I finally gave myself the chance to be me.

The start up environment and I just mesh super well together.  I am so glad to be back.  So so glad.  GSC was killing me slowly.  They said they wanted someone with my experience and expertise but really, they wanted a politician.  It was also a boy's club where tenure at the company meant everything.  It was as if as soon as I entered the doors of GSC, none of my experience meant dick.  I had to justify everything with data to people who have no clue on how to build Websites, no experience on building/creating Websites, and no interest in using the type of Websites that we were trying to build.  How ridiculous is that?  It was a super well paying job but man, it was killing me inside. My happiness meter has totally recharged back up to top since I left GSC. :)

The new job has about 50 people in the entire company.  Provides free snacks of all sorts (chips, cookies, bananas, etc.), free drinks + beerz.  Plus, the type of work that I do is challenging and super fun.  I no longer manage people, which is really great cuz I now can focus on becoming a true leader in the high tech industry. Yay!

Remember back in junior high and learning Geometry?  Remember Theroms and Givens? 
Givens is just what it is, the data that you can use to prove a therom exists.  (OK, if I remember correctly cuz this is like over 20 years ago).

My sensors for givens have been pretty effed up so that when a guy is nice to me like any human is being nice to another human, in my head I think that they are being especially nice to me.  So, I'm trying to relearn what is the given of nice when it comes to being in a dating relationship.  Make sense?

I feel like since my revelation I have been going through a life makeover.  Starting with job, fitness, mental state, and of course, way I look at/think about things.  It's weird in a great way because all that anger I had harbored towards my ex has also gone away.  I no longer feel hurt when I think about him.  Yes, sadness, but in a good way, like anyone would be sad for saying goodbye to a third of their life.  Life is good again.  I am happy again - and not bouncing between the extreme highs and lows.  :)

When I was a kid, I loved drawing so much that I'd get up after my mom has gone to sleep and continue to work on whatever piece I was working on at the time.  I even used towels to block the gap between the bottom of the door to the floor so you can't see from the hallway that my light is on.  On those nights I'd get any where between 0 - 3 hours of sleep before I'd have to get up and get ready for school. For years now, that kind of passionate fire that I had as a kid extinguished. 

Until Jan 2.

I have stayed up 2 nights in a row now drawing until 5:30am.  Then I'd get up around 9am and start my day.  I'm not even tired. I can't stop thinking about what I am going to draw.  I feel so happy and the sore aching muscles are still worth it. Surprisingly, I didn't lose my drawing skills even though I haven't drawn like this in like forever!  Alternatively, I think I've developed a brand new style that I feel resonates with the being of me.

Wow. I'm so happy right now.
So so so so happy.

I want to remember this feeling and capture it forever.

It's name is iPhone and I worked hard to get it today!  Mwahahahah!

I took one small step towards my secret plan to work for myself from anywhere in the world today.  I came up with the perfect name and purchased a domain name for it without compromising on the URL at all.  Mwaahahahahaha!  I'm gonna do this.  I'm getting my mojo back.  I'm starting a new business again.  The only failure is if I don't continue to try.  It has been a wish / dream of mine to run my own business and sustain my lifestyle with it.  I want to follow that dream again.  It has been put on the shelf and gotten dusty for too long.

The closing docs were signed and as soon as they record it tomorrow with the county, I gets to have keys to my new place!! Refrigerator + washer & dryer will be delivered in the afternoon tomorrow!  My new memory foam mattress should already be waiting for me there.  Ummmm I will finish packing tomorrow noon - that is my goal :)

Moving in less than 2 days!  Time flies :D
[doing the almost so close to being official goofy dance]

Yes.

I am so happy about my upcoming move to my new place and really start living a new lifestyle.
I am so sad about selling the last big piece of what Rocker and I had together.  9 years we've owned this house together, out of that, we lived in it for 3.5 years.  It was the longest stay at one place during the course of our relationship.  We were very happy here and had a lot of fun.

I need to move on.  I want to move on.  I cried really hard today in therapy as I was relating this.  I haven't really cried much in March... guess it's long overdue.

After the move and the sales of the current house (I hope it's fast), I will really be able to start fresh.

I've been feeling pretty joyous for the last two weeks.  It just feels like I'm beginning to find my groove again :)  This past weekend I had one of the most productive weekends that I can remember.  On Saturday alone, I started by taking the car to Les Schwab to get the snow tires swapped out.  Jogged home with the dog, cleaned!!! For reals - my room, my bathroom and kitchen.  Then jogged back to Les Schwab to pick up my car and then unloaded the tires in my garage.  Then took the dog to the vet, went to Target shopped for some important household goods, got a hair cut (hadn't had one since August), shopped more for body mists and lotion that make me smell girlie-good (sweet pea!). Then attended McGuyver's bday party hosted at DD's house, which I got super drunk and passed out on the bigass bean bag chair (love sac) with my little dog at about 2:30am.  Oh and I  ate like 219 of the most delicious dough wrapped miniature hot doggies prepared by CC.  I kept walking around the table where the hot doggies were and every time I walk by I'd stuffed a few in my mouth and add another 2-3 on my plate.  I was almost like that Japanese guy that won the hot dog eating contest with the way I inhaled those scrumpteous salty meatlings. 

On Sunday I woke up at about 8am with kinked up neck on the love sac and went home.  Prepped myself before SuZ came over and we went on a sushi run then shopping excursion in Ballard.  We wore the same exact outfits (our red Tinkerbell shirt, blue jeans, jean jacket, and black shoes) and wore our hair in a similar style (braided and unbraided pig tails).  We shopped until about 3:30 pm and then went back to my place to watch Music and Lyrics.  SuZ left at about 6 pm and then SurfBoy came over to watch Dark Crystal with me (better movie than I recalled).

Now one may think, hmm, that's really not that much stuff.  For me it is. Most weekends since I moved out on my own I would at best get one thing done at my house before I go out (if I do go out).  I'd waste a lot of time numbing my brain and senses, whether it's just mindlessly stared at the TV, screwed off on the internet or just cried my eyes out.  I'm not as productive as I used to be but this level of increase the last weekend made me very happy that I am actually showing progress and that I didn't force myself to do anything, I simply just wanted to. and enjoyed it.

The only downer is that I have Tennis Elbow, which I am renaming to Nerd Elbow since no one I know that has this ailment plays tennis and usually acquired this from working in the tech field. I have to wear a brace to keep the wrist from bending and am getting acupuncture treatment for it.

Any who, still joyous though :)  I think I am no longer fighting what is and finally starting to accept the truth and am able to move forward because of it.

I just purchased some awesome art on Etsy from this artist that I found, The Dreamy Giraffe.  I really just enjoy looking at her artwork.  Each art piece even comes with its own story and I purchased the ones that I so relate to.  :)

From left to right:

• Fairy Who Just Does Not Feel Like Flying
• A Very Girlie Super Hero
• The Fairies Who Opposed Evil In A Variety Of Ways
• The Girl Who Waited For Jack (I got this one in original acrylic painting on canvas)