17 posts tagged “heartache”
Have you seen some of the depression medication commercials on TV?
For example, a woman pretending everything is OK and fine in front of her family and kids but inside she is falling apart?
I relate.
I feel that way today. I am hurting massively inside today. Emotional pain manifesting as physical aches around the chest area + muscles hurting.
There will always going to be something that will hurt no matter how much time has elapsed.
Then one day, that hurt will hurt less, but never completely. It never becomes pain free.
Apparently those are the symptoms of my heart.
You never forget what was, what could have been, what was built, and what was destroyed so quickly.
You hope to make sense of it all, to make the best education out of it.
And you try to remember, what happiness taste like.
Hold on to the memory of that taste. Hold on.
This upcoming weekend is the 1-year anniversary from the weekend that I moved out of our house into my own place. No wonder I have been feeling out of sorts and melancholy lately. Can't believe how fast time flies. It's been a year already? It's been like lightning fast, and maybe it's because since I moved out, I've jam packed my life with social outings and things that I've always wanted to do for myself like traveling and dancing.
A year has past and I can honestly say that I do feel much better than where I was a year ago. I know that I am not totally healed yet and I still feel pain when I think about the past, but I know that I am stronger mentally and emotionally than I was this time last year. I've met some really great people and made some awesome friends. Experienced things that I never thought to be possible (for me).
I do feel lonely at times because I still don't have a best friend like I used have a best friend when my ex- was my best friend. But I'm learning to be my best friend and being good to myself and that is very important for me to learn too. Either way, life is better for sure. Happy anniversary to me.
I've been listening to this song over and over again this week. Everything about this song (i.e., words, rhythm, mood, etc.) describes how I feel very accurately.
Said there'd be no going back
Promised myself I'd never be that sad
Maybe that's why you've come along
To show me, it's not always bad
Cuz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so
It's true I've become a skeptic
How many couples really love
Just wish I had a crystal ball
To show me, if it's worth it all
Cuz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so
Yeah I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so
And I've got to be sure
Coz it's been so long
And I cannot take the pain again
If it all goes wrong
Cuz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so
Yeah I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so
I want you so much
I need you so much
I want you so much
I need you so much
[believe me my love
believe me my love]
While I was on the beach in Kauai, I listened to this song over and over again and reminded me of the heartaches in my last relationship. I said goodbye to the pain and "let go". It was a way for me to reclaim my life, reclaim Hawaii (as the year prior my heart was shattered in Hawaii), and reclaim happiness.
You, you know how to get me so low
My heart had a crash when we spoke
I can't fix what you broke
You, you always have a reason
Again & again this feelin'
Why do I give in?
& I always was, always was one for crying
I always was one for tears[ CHORUS ]
The sun's getting cold, It's snowing
Looks like an Early Winter for us
Looks like an Early Winter for us
An Early Winter
Oh I need you to turn me overIt's sad the map of the world is on you
The moon gravitates around you
The seasons escape you
& I always was, always was one for crying
I always was one for tears
No, I never was, never was one for lying
You lied to me all of these years[ CHORUS ]
The sun's getting cold, It's snowing
Looks like an Early Winter for us
Looks like an Early Winter for us
An Early Winter
Oh I need you to turn me overWhy?
Why do you act so stupid?
Why?
You know that I'm always right[ CHORUS ]
It looks like an Early Winter for us
It hurts & I can't remember sunlight
An Early Winter for us
The leaves are changing colour for us
& it gets too much, yeah it gets so much
Starting over & over & over again
& it gets too much, yeah it gets so much
Starting over & over & over again
& it gets too much, yeah it gets so much
It looks like an Early Winter for us
I so relate to this song. I do believe that everything is more beautiful (enhanced) when somebody loves me). I've loved this song since I first heard it in Toy Story 2.
When She Loved Me by Sarah McLachlan
When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart
And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears
And when she was happy, so was i, when she loved me.
Through the summer and the fall, we had each other, that was all
Just she and I together, like it was meant to be
And when she was lonely, I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me.
So the years went by, I stayed the same
And she began to drift away, I was left alone
Still I waited for the day, when she’d say "I will always love you."
Lonely and forgotten, never thought she’d look my way,
She smiled at me and held me, just like she used to do,
Like she loved me, when she loved me
When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful,
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart
When she loved me.
would have been my 7th year wedding anniversary if I hadn't divorced.
*sigh
Feeling a little poopy just thinking about it...
Other than that, I'm glad I'm doing way better than I was last year.
They are two very different things. Forgiving allows you to not be angry any more. Forgetting is virtually impossible and makes it almost impossible to allow you to trust that person again (I say almost because anything is possible). I heard the following song on Pandora and it's as if she is singing my story. Poignant lyrics.
What I Wouldn't Give by Holly Brook
Feeling like I can't forgive, but I want to
it's like I don't know how to live, I’m afraid to
I used to think take them as they come, without hesitations, no
now it's like my head is filled with lies, and persuasions
as the sun begins to fall I hear her calling out to me she's sayin' hurry it's one more day gone
what I wouldn't give just to forget
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again
I am feeling dissonant, and distracted
the toxic chemicals are spilling in my head and they're bleeding deadly reactions
and as the moon begins to rise he shows me all the colors that I’m hiding I’m hiding myself
what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again
am I desperately losing this fight
when I should really be choosing my flight
take me now
what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again
what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
what I wouldn't give just to forget
so I can remember how to live
POO!
I feel like Poo. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
Good thing I redeem myself by NOT smelling like poo. In fact, I smell like Sweet Pea (with praises to Body Shops yummy body spray).
Went to my therapy session after work and discussed with my therapist my current state of health.
Basically I started getting sick much more often after I moved to my new place and we started leveling down the dose of my medication because I was doing much better. It's as if I'm finally at a safety place that I am able to let my guards down as I have been at such a heightened alert stress level for so long. It's as if I'm allowing myself to become more vulnerable again.
I'm doing the best I can and sometimes it's hard to remember that.
It's OK to feel vulnerable.
I was really sad because I miss the best friend I used to have.
I miss having someone to share everything with - good news, bad news, silly nothings.
I miss having someone to always pick up my phone call or message me back right away because I am just that important to him.
It's OK to miss those things.
I've been missing those things for a few years now -- well, since the beginning of the end of the marriage in 2003, and that was also what kick started my depression.
I cried for the last 15 minutes of the therapy session. It felt good to be honest to myself about these things and really feeling the pain, the hurt, the sadness, and the loneliness. It was OK to accept that I am still broken inside and the good news is that I am putting myself back together (and progress is showing).
With my sore throat, fever, and tummy ache, I took myself to a mall and bought myself a few things pretty. Fuck it, I wanted to treat myself (although this can't always be the case cuz I need to be fiscally responsible and I haven't really been at all).
Picked myself up 2 mini skirts (one red, one black), one of them sexy one shoulder asymmetrical tops, and a hoodie (I'm a sucker for hoodies). Additionally, I got myself facial sunscreen and some tooth whitener stuff that really works.
Got home, walked my adorable dog for 30 minutes.
Cleaned up my kitchen (which was a disastrous area), folded 4 loads of laundry (my least favorite chore).
Did some work, and here I am on Vox.
I think it's time for bed. I have an 8am meeting (who the fuck schedules an 8am meeting on a Friday, or really, any day?).
Owie. Heart hurts.
Cried all the way home from a night of karaoke with friends.
The karaoke was really fun.
Guys wanted to buy me drinks (I turned 'em all down).
One made me take his phone number (I've lost it already).
Got talking with Brazil about stuff.
Recalling that this time last year I was stuck in Hawaii.
Tossed away like trash by the person that was my world.
Thought that we were on a vacation to change our world by trying to get knocked up.
Instead I was told that "I am not in love with you any more and I'm not sure if I want to try."
Such harsh words.
Like millions of salted daggers in my chest.
Hemorrhaging everything that was of value in the marriage.
I died that day and lost everything I knew.
Pain became a constant.
I wanted it stop.
Losing a lover and a best friend.
I'm still mourning.
Owie.
I hurt.
In my heart, I hurt.
I cried on the drive home tonight.
It was overdue.
