13 posts tagged “heartache”
While I was on the beach in Kauai, I listened to this song over and over again and reminded me of the heartaches in my last relationship. I said goodbye to the pain and "let go". It was a way for me to reclaim my life, reclaim Hawaii (as the year prior my heart was shattered in Hawaii), and reclaim happiness.
You, you know how to get me so low
My heart had a crash when we spoke
I can't fix what you broke
You, you always have a reason
Again & again this feelin'
Why do I give in?
& I always was, always was one for crying
I always was one for tears[ CHORUS ]
The sun's getting cold, It's snowing
Looks like an Early Winter for us
Looks like an Early Winter for us
An Early Winter
Oh I need you to turn me overIt's sad the map of the world is on you
The moon gravitates around you
The seasons escape you
& I always was, always was one for crying
I always was one for tears
No, I never was, never was one for lying
You lied to me all of these years[ CHORUS ]
The sun's getting cold, It's snowing
Looks like an Early Winter for us
Looks like an Early Winter for us
An Early Winter
Oh I need you to turn me overWhy?
Why do you act so stupid?
Why?
You know that I'm always right[ CHORUS ]
It looks like an Early Winter for us
It hurts & I can't remember sunlight
An Early Winter for us
The leaves are changing colour for us
& it gets too much, yeah it gets so much
Starting over & over & over again
& it gets too much, yeah it gets so much
Starting over & over & over again
& it gets too much, yeah it gets so much
It looks like an Early Winter for us
I so relate to this song. I do believe that everything is more beautiful (enhanced) when somebody loves me). I've loved this song since I first heard it in Toy Story 2.
When She Loved Me by Sarah McLachlan
When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart
And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears
And when she was happy, so was i, when she loved me.
Through the summer and the fall, we had each other, that was all
Just she and I together, like it was meant to be
And when she was lonely, I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me.
So the years went by, I stayed the same
And she began to drift away, I was left alone
Still I waited for the day, when she’d say "I will always love you."
Lonely and forgotten, never thought she’d look my way,
She smiled at me and held me, just like she used to do,
Like she loved me, when she loved me
When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful,
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart
When she loved me.
would have been my 7th year wedding anniversary if I hadn't divorced.
*sigh
Feeling a little poopy just thinking about it...
Other than that, I'm glad I'm doing way better than I was last year.
They are two very different things. Forgiving allows you to not be angry any more. Forgetting is virtually impossible and makes it almost impossible to allow you to trust that person again (I say almost because anything is possible). I heard the following song on Pandora and it's as if she is singing my story. Poignant lyrics.
What I Wouldn't Give by Holly Brook
Feeling like I can't forgive, but I want to
it's like I don't know how to live, I’m afraid to
I used to think take them as they come, without hesitations, no
now it's like my head is filled with lies, and persuasions
as the sun begins to fall I hear her calling out to me she's sayin' hurry it's one more day gone
what I wouldn't give just to forget
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again
I am feeling dissonant, and distracted
the toxic chemicals are spilling in my head and they're bleeding deadly reactions
and as the moon begins to rise he shows me all the colors that I’m hiding I’m hiding myself
what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again
am I desperately losing this fight
when I should really be choosing my flight
take me now
what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again
what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
what I wouldn't give just to forget
so I can remember how to live
POO!
I feel like Poo. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
Good thing I redeem myself by NOT smelling like poo. In fact, I smell like Sweet Pea (with praises to Body Shops yummy body spray).
Went to my therapy session after work and discussed with my therapist my current state of health.
Basically I started getting sick much more often after I moved to my new place and we started leveling down the dose of my medication because I was doing much better. It's as if I'm finally at a safety place that I am able to let my guards down as I have been at such a heightened alert stress level for so long. It's as if I'm allowing myself to become more vulnerable again.
I'm doing the best I can and sometimes it's hard to remember that.
It's OK to feel vulnerable.
I was really sad because I miss the best friend I used to have.
I miss having someone to share everything with - good news, bad news, silly nothings.
I miss having someone to always pick up my phone call or message me back right away because I am just that important to him.
It's OK to miss those things.
I've been missing those things for a few years now -- well, since the beginning of the end of the marriage in 2003, and that was also what kick started my depression.
I cried for the last 15 minutes of the therapy session. It felt good to be honest to myself about these things and really feeling the pain, the hurt, the sadness, and the loneliness. It was OK to accept that I am still broken inside and the good news is that I am putting myself back together (and progress is showing).
With my sore throat, fever, and tummy ache, I took myself to a mall and bought myself a few things pretty. Fuck it, I wanted to treat myself (although this can't always be the case cuz I need to be fiscally responsible and I haven't really been at all).
Picked myself up 2 mini skirts (one red, one black), one of them sexy one shoulder asymmetrical tops, and a hoodie (I'm a sucker for hoodies). Additionally, I got myself facial sunscreen and some tooth whitener stuff that really works.
Got home, walked my adorable dog for 30 minutes.
Cleaned up my kitchen (which was a disastrous area), folded 4 loads of laundry (my least favorite chore).
Did some work, and here I am on Vox.
I think it's time for bed. I have an 8am meeting (who the fuck schedules an 8am meeting on a Friday, or really, any day?).
Owie. Heart hurts.
Cried all the way home from a night of karaoke with friends.
The karaoke was really fun.
Guys wanted to buy me drinks (I turned 'em all down).
One made me take his phone number (I've lost it already).
Got talking with Brazil about stuff.
Recalling that this time last year I was stuck in Hawaii.
Tossed away like trash by the person that was my world.
Thought that we were on a vacation to change our world by trying to get knocked up.
Instead I was told that "I am not in love with you any more and I'm not sure if I want to try."
Such harsh words.
Like millions of salted daggers in my chest.
Hemorrhaging everything that was of value in the marriage.
I died that day and lost everything I knew.
Pain became a constant.
I wanted it stop.
Losing a lover and a best friend.
I'm still mourning.
Owie.
I hurt.
In my heart, I hurt.
I cried on the drive home tonight.
It was overdue.
When I get home late at night from a fun outing with friends:
I look over to the empty side of my queen-sized bed and wonder if anyone will ever permanently fill that spot again?
I wonder if anyone will ever be as happy to see me as my dog does every single day?
If anyone will ever think of me and can't wait to share their good experiences and excitement with me?
Will make up silly little songs to sing to me?
Tell me funny things and be comical just to see me smile and laugh?
Want to hold me and kiss me every chance he gets?
Want to experience love with me?
... we look for happiness in all the wrong places. The Buddha called this habit "mistaking suffering for happiness," like a moth flying into the flame. As we know, moths are not the only ones who will destroy themselves in order to find temporary relief. In terms of how we seek happiness, we are all like the alcoholic who drinks to stop the depression that escalates with every drink, or the junkie who shoots up in order to get relief from the suffering that increases with every fix.
~ The Places that Scares You by Pema Chodron
I don't want to be a moth.
Is a layer of shattered crystal.
Then inside of that, is a ball of old twine (I have no idea how it got there).
Then inside of that is a little Chinese fortune cookie note that reads:
You like Chinese food
But fortunately, next to that is a dried up seed of love.
I've already lost everything that's important to me.
I would like the piercing pain in my chest to please go away. Please?
I want to be challenged in ways that I am passionate about and not in ways I have to deal with.
Feeling like a stranger in a big city so I guess I might as well choose to become one for real maybe.
At least that is a choice that I am making and not one forced upon me.
I need to move on. Must move on. Have to move on.
You can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose my dear
So I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I...
Know the reason why
I'm gone but you're still there
I'm gone but you're still there
I'm gone
but you're still there...
The snow, the house that I live in, my dog, my car, the quietness of snow falling... everything.
Everything reminds me of what could've been, what might've been, what should've been.
Maybe that is why I yearn for a change of scenery so I am not being haunted by the ghost of my past.
Maybe it's cuz I am a change whore and can't just settle for calmness so I seek constant newness.
I just miss having a companion in life who is also my best friend.
I just miss having someone who just understands and tell me everything will be OK.
In the end, we all depart this world alone.
So wouldn't it be nice to have someone to truly share your life with while you're still awake?
I am a very sad panda.
