24 posts tagged “heartbreak”
POO!
I feel like Poo. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
Good thing I redeem myself by NOT smelling like poo. In fact, I smell like Sweet Pea (with praises to Body Shops yummy body spray).
Went to my therapy session after work and discussed with my therapist my current state of health.
Basically I started getting sick much more often after I moved to my new place and we started leveling down the dose of my medication because I was doing much better. It's as if I'm finally at a safety place that I am able to let my guards down as I have been at such a heightened alert stress level for so long. It's as if I'm allowing myself to become more vulnerable again.
I'm doing the best I can and sometimes it's hard to remember that.
It's OK to feel vulnerable.
I was really sad because I miss the best friend I used to have.
I miss having someone to share everything with - good news, bad news, silly nothings.
I miss having someone to always pick up my phone call or message me back right away because I am just that important to him.
It's OK to miss those things.
I've been missing those things for a few years now -- well, since the beginning of the end of the marriage in 2003, and that was also what kick started my depression.
I cried for the last 15 minutes of the therapy session. It felt good to be honest to myself about these things and really feeling the pain, the hurt, the sadness, and the loneliness. It was OK to accept that I am still broken inside and the good news is that I am putting myself back together (and progress is showing).
With my sore throat, fever, and tummy ache, I took myself to a mall and bought myself a few things pretty. Fuck it, I wanted to treat myself (although this can't always be the case cuz I need to be fiscally responsible and I haven't really been at all).
Picked myself up 2 mini skirts (one red, one black), one of them sexy one shoulder asymmetrical tops, and a hoodie (I'm a sucker for hoodies). Additionally, I got myself facial sunscreen and some tooth whitener stuff that really works.
Got home, walked my adorable dog for 30 minutes.
Cleaned up my kitchen (which was a disastrous area), folded 4 loads of laundry (my least favorite chore).
Did some work, and here I am on Vox.
I think it's time for bed. I have an 8am meeting (who the fuck schedules an 8am meeting on a Friday, or really, any day?).
Owie. Heart hurts.
Cried all the way home from a night of karaoke with friends.
The karaoke was really fun.
Guys wanted to buy me drinks (I turned 'em all down).
One made me take his phone number (I've lost it already).
Got talking with Brazil about stuff.
Recalling that this time last year I was stuck in Hawaii.
Tossed away like trash by the person that was my world.
Thought that we were on a vacation to change our world by trying to get knocked up.
Instead I was told that "I am not in love with you any more and I'm not sure if I want to try."
Such harsh words.
Like millions of salted daggers in my chest.
Hemorrhaging everything that was of value in the marriage.
I died that day and lost everything I knew.
Pain became a constant.
I wanted it stop.
Losing a lover and a best friend.
I'm still mourning.
Owie.
I hurt.
In my heart, I hurt.
I cried on the drive home tonight.
It was overdue.
It's noon and I'm still in bed and still crying.
My dog is crying too cuz she wants/needs to be walked.
In an hour I have to go pick up my mom from my brother Esquire's house so we can attend my niece's (ID's kid) 1st birthday party.
There will be a whole bunch of friends there who will be asking me "How's Rocker?!"
What am I gonna say? "He's fine and on a business trip?"
I don't wanna go and face people today. But I must keep moving and not dwell in my misery.
Yesterday when I stopped by old job and some people asked me about Rocker I kindly said that we aren't together any more. I did not enjoy seeing the shock on people's faces. All I ever wanted was to be with Rocker and all I ever did was talk about what a great guy he was. Of course people were shocked. Hell, I am shocked too. But I've got to keep moving.
Today's song is "Running" by No Doubt.
Run
Running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side
Me
I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
I'm so sorry that I've fallen
Help me up lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love
[Chorus:]
Running, running
As fast as we can
Do you think we'll make it?
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running
Keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated
Be
Be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me
Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up
[Repeat chorus twice]
(The future)
[Repeat chorus]
Drunk blogging rules especially when you have been drinking since... oh... 2pm (and it's now like 1am-ish) -- wow that makes it ummmm like 11 hours? OK, I'm NOT that irresponsible. I sobered up enough so I was able to drive home safely. But yah, I'm a tiny bit tipsy still. After court, which took all like 10 minutes (and during which I almost threw up cuz I felt so sick about the whole thing), I met up with Randiko and V-Love at Nijo in which Randiko bought me a lot of sake. Then we went to my ex-job (where Randiko still works) and I drunk-hi'd people that I used to work with. Damn I miss working in a startup environment. Then we rounded up a few kids and went for more drinking at this place called O'Hana. They had a terrific happy hour so the sake kept flowing. I remember eating some Spam rolls and they were fucking awesome (it's a Hawaiian-Japanese restaurant). I love Spam and anyone that says EEEEEW without ever trying it needs to shut the fuck up cuz you don't know what the fuck you're missing - and how can you say EEEEW to something you've never tried? ANYWHO. Then new work boyfriend and Earth Child and myself went to Marjories for some planteen chips and more food. I stopped drinking then cuz I decided to cut myself off. Then we left but some people waved at us from inside Marjories while we were outside. So I dragged Earth Child back inside and met some new people. They were very cool cats. I had a diet coke and we were just talking about random shit. They wanted to go dancing but I wanted to come home to cry. So Earth Child went with them and I got myself to my car and drove cried all the way home. I can't believe it's really over. It's really fucking over. I cried my eyes out. 11 years of my life with this person... that's a third of my life since I was 22. Gone. Bye. Sad. Disbelief. WTF.
Through all of this I kept hoping that none of this shit is real and that I'd wake up from this nightmare. But this nightmare was my reality.
Ouch my eyes hurt from all the fucking crying and probably my fucking medication (I just learned that the anti-depressant that I'm on may cause complication with people who have Glaucoma or prone to Glaucoma - which I am since my brother has Glaucoma and is already 10% blind). No wonder the last month and a half my eyes have been burning for no reason and hurt like fucking hell and is tearing up all the time (even when I'm not crying). Great, I hope I'm not going to become an old blind bat. OUCH my heart hurts too. Owie. :'( Fucking stop the pain please.
We were married on 7/14/01 at 7:48PM. Divorced on 12/28/07 at 1:45PM.
The court date is tomorrow for becoming legally single again.
Some thoughts:
- It takes years to build up a relationship, but only few moments to destroy it
- Always act with love and integrity onto yourself first and then others cuz if you don't, you will lose sight of what is most important to you, including losing yourself
- Sometimes it does take losing everything to realize what you had, and sometimes losing everything is too late to reclaim what you had
- It's easy to forgive but impossible to forget
- It won't work if you are afraid of the person that once meant the world to you
- It won't work if there is no trust left
- Sometimes people just grow up and grow apart especially when they stopped investing in one another
- I am unwilling to stay feeling like I'm always going to be second best or play second fiddle to his other interests
- I want someone that wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him
- Passion can be sustained if both people never stop investing into the relationship
- Love is ever expanding and growing if you don't stop investing into it
- A relationship goes from the first exciting-to-be-dating-someone to the deepening of the love and understanding to an even greater more profound love, if you let it. And it can be all of the above, if you let it
I am setting myself free.
I love me, I love me, I love me.
I love me, I love me, I love me.
I love me, I love me, I love me.
I am free.
Cuz I love me.
I will repeat this until I am free.
I promise myself that I will be OK
Even though I feel like every cell in my body is ripping itself apart right now
So much pain
I hurt everywhere
I need comfort
and I need to learn how to provide that to myself
because I got no one now
and I'm learning that it's ok
because i've got me
and it's been only me all along
i've just got to realize that
Wow...
I got brave and went shopping after work today... of all places, Costco!
Apparently, there are also millions of procrastinators like myself doing last minute buying at Costco. Lots of men browsing around the jewelery cases (oy) and ogling over the LCD TVs. This year's holiday season just depresses me. I had a really nice signing bonus from taking my new job in June but the divorce and starting a new life has sucked all that cash away. I really really really wanted to spoil my family and best friends this year (the iPod Nano and snowboarding trip came to mind). But at last, it came down to paying 2 mortgages, staging fees, and much more, every month since October. Divorce is a huge drain on finances and anyone tells you differently is lying (unless they are super rich and it just doesn't phase them). I feel very pressured to spend $$ even though my family isn't very religious or go to church (though they are all Christians, and I'm the only Buddhist).
This year, I feel like canceling Xmas. It's the first time in 14 years that I will have no special someone to shower my love, and have no family of my own.
Then three days after that, I will go in front of a judge and confirm the divorce to get it finalized.
Then three days later, I get to add one to my age and feel ancient.
Wham bam all within 7 days.
12/25 - 1/1 will suck the most. Ever. I hope I survive the triple train wrecks. :(
If I am what I feel
then I am pain
If I am what I sense
then I am suffering
I hope to cry this one last time
to drain all my sorrow
but I know that tomorrow
I will wish for the same thing
I can't stop this ache
in my heart
I can't silence the questions
of what if's in my head
I want therefore I hurt
I desire therefore I suffer
How can I stop this
never-ending grief?
Left behind, abandoned
by the love of my life
Am I really that forgettable?
(I guess so)
I can't compete with power
(it's a drug)
I can't compete with money
(how many really can?)
But if all you're looking for is
true and wreckless love
I might be the one that
you're looking for
And for now
I'm locking my heart up
No entries allowed
Until further notice
