Can this be possible?  I forgot to Vox it up for like the last like 2 weeks!

Ummmmmm oh!

Work is going great.
Love love love love not being a manager any more.
It's like a huge weight has been lifted off of me.
Only have to worry about myself is OSSM!!!

Been going to karaoke a lot - like every Wednesday.
Instigated "Suicide Wednesdays" where we can only sing songs we've never sung in public before.  The word "suicide" in karaoke means just that :) This is to encourage my friends and myself to find new songs to sing and expand :)  I'm going again this Saturday. Fun!

Still taking pole dance class. Love it.
Pulled a couple of muscles last night in class though.
Very sore today but worth it.

Signing up to become a p90x coach.
This is also to motivate myself to restart it again.
I want to become fitter again.
Been slacking on the working out department.
Body's been hurting more because of it.
Aging sucks.
Staying fit is anti-aging.

OK I'm gonna rest now. Hurts to type.

bye for now.

Remember back in junior high and learning Geometry?  Remember Theroms and Givens? 
Givens is just what it is, the data that you can use to prove a therom exists.  (OK, if I remember correctly cuz this is like over 20 years ago).

My sensors for givens have been pretty effed up so that when a guy is nice to me like any human is being nice to another human, in my head I think that they are being especially nice to me.  So, I'm trying to relearn what is the given of nice when it comes to being in a dating relationship.  Make sense?

I feel like since my revelation I have been going through a life makeover.  Starting with job, fitness, mental state, and of course, way I look at/think about things.  It's weird in a great way because all that anger I had harbored towards my ex has also gone away.  I no longer feel hurt when I think about him.  Yes, sadness, but in a good way, like anyone would be sad for saying goodbye to a third of their life.  Life is good again.  I am happy again - and not bouncing between the extreme highs and lows.  :)

I welcome the change.
I need the change.
For the better.

Starting to get closure.
Even if it hurts.
Closure is good.
Cuz I don't want to keep looking back
and fall because I am trying to move forward.

Tomorrow is another day
without any mistakes in it, yet.

Work work work
dog play dog play
dance dance dance
sleep very little

repeat

Why is it when I feel sad, my heart physically aches?
Does anyone else feel this way?

Why are commercials on TV way louder than the show you're watching?

My mum said that I've always been a very happy and optimistic kid growing up.
What happened?  Can I ever get back to that place naturally?

My birthday is coming up in 2 months.  I'm gonna be closer to (*gulp) 40.
That's probably more than 1/2 of my life expectancy.
Did I make a difference to make the world a better place? Even a little?

I've given everything I've got and it was still/never going to be enough.
Am I ever gonna be able to trust another who believes that I am everything he needs/wants?

Meh. I'm pretty blitz right now.  Drunk blogging is awesome.  I'll never answer these questions but whatever.  At least I asked.

This upcoming weekend is the 1-year anniversary from the weekend that I moved out of our house into my own place.  No wonder I have been feeling out of sorts and melancholy lately.  Can't believe how fast time flies.  It's been a year already?  It's been like lightning fast, and maybe it's because since I moved out, I've jam packed my life with social outings and things that I've always wanted to do for myself like traveling and dancing.

A year has past and I can honestly say that I do feel much better than where I was a year ago.  I know that I am not totally healed yet and I still feel pain when I think about the past, but I know that I am stronger mentally and emotionally than I was this time last year.  I've met some really great people and made some awesome friends.  Experienced things that I never thought to be possible (for me). 

I do feel lonely at times because I still don't have a best friend like I used have a best friend when my ex- was my best friend. But I'm learning to be my best friend and being good to myself and that is very important for me to learn too.  Either way, life is better for sure.  Happy anniversary to me.

POO!

I feel like Poo. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

Good thing I redeem myself by NOT smelling like poo.  In fact, I smell like Sweet Pea (with praises to Body Shops yummy body spray).

Went to my therapy session after work and discussed with my therapist my current state of health.
Basically I started getting sick much more often after I moved to my new place and we started leveling down the dose of my medication because I was doing much better.  It's as if I'm finally at a safety place that I am able to let my guards down as I have been at such a heightened alert stress level for so long.  It's as if I'm allowing myself to become more vulnerable again.

I'm doing the best I can and sometimes it's hard to remember that.
It's OK to feel vulnerable.

I was really sad because I miss the best friend I used to have.
I miss having someone to share everything with - good news, bad news, silly nothings.
I miss having someone to always pick up my phone call or message me back right away because I am just that important to him.

It's OK to miss those things.
I've been missing those things for a few years now -- well, since the beginning of the end of the marriage in 2003, and that was also what kick started my depression.

I cried for the last 15 minutes of the therapy session.  It felt good to be honest to myself about these things and really feeling the pain, the hurt, the sadness, and the loneliness.  It was OK to accept that I am still broken inside and the good news is that I am putting myself back together (and progress is showing).

With my sore throat, fever, and tummy ache, I took myself to a mall and bought myself a few things pretty.  Fuck it, I wanted to treat myself (although this can't always be the case cuz I need to be fiscally responsible and I haven't really been at all).

Picked myself up 2 mini skirts (one red, one black), one of them sexy one shoulder asymmetrical tops, and a hoodie (I'm a sucker for hoodies).  Additionally, I got myself facial sunscreen and some tooth whitener stuff that really works.

Got home, walked my adorable dog for 30 minutes.
Cleaned up my kitchen (which was a disastrous area), folded 4 loads of laundry (my least favorite chore).
Did some work, and here I am on Vox.

I think it's time for bed.  I have an 8am meeting (who the fuck schedules an 8am meeting on a Friday, or really, any day?).

I found a good friend of mine that I went to Jr. High and High School with on Facebook.  Let's call him Jazz Cruise.  We met up this evening after 17 years of not seeing each other at a local beer bar called Brouwer's in Fremont.  It was so great seeing him.  We reminisced and chatted about our present and possible future.  He and I used to have secret crushes on each other but we didn't know it then.  It was funny to learn that after the fact, after so many years.  He was always so funny and always made me laugh and did not disappoint in the comical department this evening.  It's just so great to be able to catch up and hang out after so man years.  :)

Seeing him and having so much fun with him made me want to have laughter and good times with someone special in my life everyday.  I miss that part about being a couple... that and building towards something greater than just yourself.

Really, I do.
I think I am very close to being ready. :)

Woke up feeling empty inside.
I'm allowing myself to feel it and it's not overtaking me.
I still love me and didn't cry.

I think I just really miss feeling like I am a special person in someone's life.