Toystory2

I so relate to this song.  I do believe that everything is more beautiful (enhanced) when somebody loves me). I've loved this song since I first heard it in Toy Story 2.

When She Loved Me by Sarah McLachlan

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart
And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears
And when she was happy, so was i, when she loved me.

Through the summer and the fall, we had each other, that was all
Just she and I together, like it was meant to be
And when she was lonely, I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me.

So the years went by, I stayed the same
And she began to drift away, I was left alone
Still I waited for the day, when she’d say "I will always love you."

Lonely and forgotten, never thought she’d look my way,
She smiled at me and held me, just like she used to do,
Like she loved me, when she loved me

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful,
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart
When she loved me.

... and little hints / messages / calls to let me know that he is thinking about me.

@sheridanzig and I were discussing this last week... it is what a lot of guys don't understand, that this is very important to us girls.

Yah, it's super nice to be missed because he thinks you're a special person and wishes that he is right next to you.  Then he text you and calls you to tell you about it and wants to hear your voice.  Or he posts photos throughout the day on the internet of your favorite pets cuz he knows how much you enjoy the happiness those critters bring you and how much you miss them.

These are the sweet things that you can do to make anyone feel special, and they cost absolutely nothing.

and during very hard times I try my darndest not to fall into the depth of despair again... Depression is something not well understood by most people and most people don't know how to deal with it.  I was one of those people and thought I could get myself out, but I struggled off and on for four years, which was four years too long.  If you have loved ones that are depressed, just love them and hug them and be there for them.  Believe you me, they are more confused, desparate and scared than you can ever imagine and no matter how hard they try or wish, it's not something that is easily rid of without proper medical/professional attention.  And don't blame yourself after the fact for finding out that your loved ones was depressed because many depressed people, especially me, have mastered the art of making you believe that my life is fabulous and everything is awesome (except I stopped doing that and am very open about how I feel now a days). Even so, if you aren't in my close knit circle of friends, you will think that I have never had a hard day in my life (cuz I just don't like people to worry or feel bad).

Breathe Me by Sia

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Kids, take your vitamins, especially during times of high life stress.
In the last year, I've moved TWICE, changed job, divorced, had death in family.
That's five biggins in one year, counting the moving twice (and it is the #1 stress in life even more so than death in family and divorce, according to research).

I woke up in the middle of the night with a new sore throat, this time on the left side.  Got to work at 7:40am this morning and took a nap from 8:30 - 9:00 under my desk again (had to, I was feeling pukey and still am, with a very sore tummy).  This stress thing is causing havoc.

Hug your friends.  Hug your loved ones.  Especially the ones that are going through hard times...  Especially.

(oh and bring 'em ice cream when they are sick without them having to ask - this will earn you tons of brownie points.  I'll take mocha almond fudge please. ok thx bai.)

When I get home late at night from a fun outing with friends:

I look over to the empty side of my queen-sized bed and wonder if anyone will ever permanently fill that spot again?
I wonder if anyone will ever be as happy to see me as my dog does every single day?
If anyone will ever think of me and can't wait to share their good experiences and excitement with me?
Will make up silly little songs to sing to me?
Tell me funny things and be comical just to see me smile and laugh?
Want to hold me and kiss me every chance he gets?

Want to experience love with me?

... we look for happiness in all the wrong places. The Buddha called this habit "mistaking suffering for happiness," like a moth flying into the flame.  As we know, moths are not the only ones who will destroy themselves in order to find temporary relief.  In terms of how we seek happiness, we are all like the alcoholic who drinks to stop the depression that escalates with every drink, or the junkie who shoots up in order to get relief from the suffering that increases with every fix.

~ The Places that Scares You by Pema Chodron

I don't want to be a moth.

When you realize that you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start immediately.

Harry from "When Harry Met Sally"

I found a good friend of mine that I went to Jr. High and High School with on Facebook.  Let's call him Jazz Cruise.  We met up this evening after 17 years of not seeing each other at a local beer bar called Brouwer's in Fremont.  It was so great seeing him.  We reminisced and chatted about our present and possible future.  He and I used to have secret crushes on each other but we didn't know it then.  It was funny to learn that after the fact, after so many years.  He was always so funny and always made me laugh and did not disappoint in the comical department this evening.  It's just so great to be able to catch up and hang out after so man years.  :)

Seeing him and having so much fun with him made me want to have laughter and good times with someone special in my life everyday.  I miss that part about being a couple... that and building towards something greater than just yourself.

Really, I do.
I think I am very close to being ready. :)

Had an appointment to visit my little dog Solo today at boarding school.  She is doing wonderfully!  Comes to me when called and just a smart curious love bug.  I will get her home next Saturday and I can't wait to introduce her to our new home :)  I loves her... it's nice not having another being to take care of in a way but I really do miss having her around.  The joy she brings me is just truly fabulous.

Then I made the mistake thinking that I'm feeling better so I should go stop by Costco and get a few things.  UGH.  I felt like shit the whole time and felt worse and worse as the time went on.  Super light headed, exhausted, tightness/slight pain in chest, queezy.  I made an appointment to see my doctor for this afternoon.  I just don't know wtf is up with this stupid flu.  I thought I was getting better... apparently not... and it's not normal for a person to sleep an entire day and not get better by the next day.  I hope I don't have walking pneumonia (a few people I know at work has it... is it contagious?). 

Nap time again.

It's so weird to think that a year ago today we were still married and I was still the dumb girl in love pretending that he still loved me pre-shit hit the fan Hawaiian vacation and crying anger fest.  I took him to our favorite (and very expensive) sushi restaurant for his 37th birthday, surprised him with special order dvd of this kooky show Let's Bowl, a KISS Destroyer record that I found, and The Police tickets.  Thinking back, my gifts to him were all very thoughtful and music-oriented to support his endeavors.  The Police concert was not as fun as I hoped since it occurred after we got back from Hawaii and he showed no affection towards me and was on his wooshy washy I don't know if I want to try at this marriage but I still love you but not in love with you rampage.  It was a very awkward and a desperate time in my life and I still remember how I felt like I was like fish out of water trying to suck air but couldn't.

It's so strange to see and live where my life is today compared to a year ago.  A year ago I thought I was going to try to start a family with Rocker.  A year ago, nothing else mattered except for him.  A year ago I had been dying inside and falling to the depth of depression even further.  A year ago I was physically weak and unhealthy and suffered almost daily migraines.  A year ago, my world as I knew it fell completely apart.

I still remember Rocker telling me how he asked for his boss' advice on our marriage and his boss said "if it's meant to be it's meant to be."  This came from a man that had his family living in Philly while he worked in Seattle... a man that invited Rocker out every night to talk business and got drunk with Rocker until dawn.  I remember thinking, wow, "if it's meant to be?"  and told Rocker that that is something someone say when they want to give up or when things are completely over to make themselves feel better.

Almost a year later now and I am still recovering.  He was the love of my life.  He was my best friend.  Today we're merely acquaintances that chit-chat lightly about our ex-co-owned pets and money issues that arise due to the divorce.  How strange it is that someone was an integral part of your world is no longer?

I feel like I've risen from the dead, I have been reborn.  Parts of me are still renewing itself and parts of me are still recovering slowly from the anguish, the pain, the betrayal, the deliberate hurt, the yearning, the grief.  I've done a tremendous amount of thinking and I believe a tremendous amount of growth. I still don't have all my shit together but I know I am constantly getting better.  I make mistakes but I try to not repeat them and learn from them.  I love myself now for the first time ever and I can say it without crossing my fingers.  I believe that love does conquer all and compassion is the key to deep understanding and trust.

The divorce is perhaps a blessing in disguise.  Everything happens for a reason that we may not comprehend at the time.  Even with all the trauma I still wouldn't change a thing.  I needed a wake up call and I am thankful that I was able to recognize the opportunity for growth within.  I am doing all the things that I didn't think I was going to be able to accomplish when I first moved out in October.  I am having fun.  I am enjoying life.

He told me recently he was very lonely and I feel very sad for him.  He had it all but didn't want to look within to figure out how to fill his void.  He looked outward and found much distractions to instantly satisfy.  He was a very good person when I met him and has changed into someone I do not recognize the last 2 years.  He's still a good person I think and hope that he's finding his way back.  Part of me will always love him and as a friend, I wish him a very happy birthday and I hope that he finds true happiness in life.