8 posts tagged “new life”
It's so weird to think that a year ago today we were still married and I was still the dumb girl in love pretending that he still loved me pre-shit hit the fan Hawaiian vacation and crying anger fest. I took him to our favorite (and very expensive) sushi restaurant for his 37th birthday, surprised him with special order dvd of this kooky show Let's Bowl, a KISS Destroyer record that I found, and The Police tickets. Thinking back, my gifts to him were all very thoughtful and music-oriented to support his endeavors. The Police concert was not as fun as I hoped since it occurred after we got back from Hawaii and he showed no affection towards me and was on his wooshy washy I don't know if I want to try at this marriage but I still love you but not in love with you rampage. It was a very awkward and a desperate time in my life and I still remember how I felt like I was like fish out of water trying to suck air but couldn't.
It's so strange to see and live where my life is today compared to a year ago. A year ago I thought I was going to try to start a family with Rocker. A year ago, nothing else mattered except for him. A year ago I had been dying inside and falling to the depth of depression even further. A year ago I was physically weak and unhealthy and suffered almost daily migraines. A year ago, my world as I knew it fell completely apart.
I still remember Rocker telling me how he asked for his boss' advice on our marriage and his boss said "if it's meant to be it's meant to be." This came from a man that had his family living in Philly while he worked in Seattle... a man that invited Rocker out every night to talk business and got drunk with Rocker until dawn. I remember thinking, wow, "if it's meant to be?" and told Rocker that that is something someone say when they want to give up or when things are completely over to make themselves feel better.
Almost a year later now and I am still recovering. He was the love of my life. He was my best friend. Today we're merely acquaintances that chit-chat lightly about our ex-co-owned pets and money issues that arise due to the divorce. How strange it is that someone was an integral part of your world is no longer?
I feel like I've risen from the dead, I have been reborn. Parts of me are still renewing itself and parts of me are still recovering slowly from the anguish, the pain, the betrayal, the deliberate hurt, the yearning, the grief. I've done a tremendous amount of thinking and I believe a tremendous amount of growth. I still don't have all my shit together but I know I am constantly getting better. I make mistakes but I try to not repeat them and learn from them. I love myself now for the first time ever and I can say it without crossing my fingers. I believe that love does conquer all and compassion is the key to deep understanding and trust.
The divorce is perhaps a blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason that we may not comprehend at the time. Even with all the trauma I still wouldn't change a thing. I needed a wake up call and I am thankful that I was able to recognize the opportunity for growth within. I am doing all the things that I didn't think I was going to be able to accomplish when I first moved out in October. I am having fun. I am enjoying life.
He told me recently he was very lonely and I feel very sad for him. He had it all but didn't want to look within to figure out how to fill his void. He looked outward and found much distractions to instantly satisfy. He was a very good person when I met him and has changed into someone I do not recognize the last 2 years. He's still a good person I think and hope that he's finding his way back. Part of me will always love him and as a friend, I wish him a very happy birthday and I hope that he finds true happiness in life.
This evening was fun filled with friends seeing Robin Williams at the Showbox together. I didn't know how raunchy Robin Williams could get and it was down right hilarious. We just laughed for 2 hours straight... probably the funniest stand up comedy I've ever seen in my life. Afterwards, some of us went to get some light grub at Le Pichet and I had a Tour de Meat plate. Sooooo good and so salty - yummers. I met these two friends of D-man's and they are Canadians. I love Canadians - such friendly and happy go lucky, genuinely kind people. It was a really awesome night and it only took me like 7 minutes to drive home from downtown!!! I love my new life. :)
With the help of my mom, the downstairs family room + hallway painting is done! I am so tired at this point and have 3 more rooms to go plus packing plus cleaning up the house before this coming Friday. Time is a running out and my mom has volunteered to come back on Wed to continue painting while I'm at work.
I couldn't help myself to stop by my new place when I picked up GameBoy yesterday before we went to a friend's birthday party. I can't wait to move in... so exited! I'm gonna really have to down size though as there really is no room for everything that I own. Seriously. I have accumulated too much stuff over the years and I really need to rid of them so I don't have to move them.
Have I ever mention how much I dislike the act of packing and moving?! Yah. One of my least favorite thing in the world. Bleh!
Snippet of song by Everclear
I will buy you a garden
Where your flowers can bloom
I will buy you a new car
Perfect shinny and new
I will buy you that big house
Way up in the west hills
I will buy you a new life
I will buy you a new life
Yes I will
I gots me a kitchen table with four stools :D Yaye for a place to sit and eat for reals! I will go pick it up on Saturday at Cost Plus. :D No more standing to eat at the tiny kitchen counter. Now I get to enjoy my food while sitting on my lucious tooshy (oh yes, it is quite lucious -- I looked at it in the mirror this morning after my shower and I'd totally tap it if I wasn't me).
Anyone been there?
A recruiter has been contacting me for a job there for the last month or so but I never called/email him back.
On Google map, I see that Milwaukee is right on Lake Michigan and is near Chicago.
Maybe I should check it out. Hmmm.
Boxes of stuff have been scattered around my house since I moved here in early October. I have moved 5 times in the last 5 years and have this fear that if I unpack then I'll have to pack up again and move. But unpacking is also an act of settling into a new life and I am trying to look at it that way.
4 boxes down... lots more to go. I'll do what I can.
Rocker was just over earlier today to help me hook up my printer and my PC desktop that has been out of commission for almost a year. I weeped quietly for a little bit while he was downloading patches for my PC because it's just very weird... him being in the other room, who was the most crucial person in 1/3 of my life thus far and now we're just platonic friends.
It is still painful to be reminded of what once was and what might have been.
I will make lemon ice cream, lemon chicken, and lemon bubble gum out of lemons. Who'd thought that I can be so creative with lemons?
A friend of mine left the following quote on my Facebook wall this morning. It is perfect for today. I so needed to see it to help me gain enough bravery, strength and compassion to do what about to do in court today.
"The spiritual journey involves...stepping into unknown territory, continually moving forward. The most important aspect of being on the spiritual path may be to just keep moving. Usually, when we reach our limit...our bodies freeze and so do our minds. Rather than indulge or reject our experience, we can somehow let the energy of the emotion, the quality of what we're feeling pierce us to the heart. This is a noble way to live. It’s the path of compassion - the path of cultivating human bravery and kindheartedness."
(Pema Chodron)
The seed of all virtues is love. All beings need love and need to love. This isn't the end. This is a new beginning to an even greater adventure filled with true love for me and all those around me.
I love you guys and thank you so much for your encouraging words and support that you have given me. <3
