11 posts tagged “pole dance”

In my pole dance classes, the last 15 minutes is usually saved for individual routine performances. These tiny recitals in front of other students are a terrific way to  appreciate each other’s differences, and maybe your own.  I’ve always had a very difficult time settling down my mind and be comfortable really dancing in front of anyone.  I always felt like I had to put on a show… kinda like how my life really has been for me… for a long while now. To appease and hide anything negative.  

Before I started my routine last night, my teacher spoke to me privately and advised me: less is more.  She told me that I am a beautiful woman and don’t need any of that extra stuff to show it.  Just do the basics and let the beauty flow out on its own.  She asked to see the “real” Alix.  I did exactly what she advised me to do and I chose to dance my routine to Sarah Bareilles’ “Gravity”.  This had been a song that I loved to dance to alone, in the privacy of my own home.  I hadn’t had the courage to dance to this song in front of others because the lyrics are very haunting to me and speaks honestly to how raw my heart still feels, almost 2 years after my breakup with my ex.

I took a deep breath and thought to myself how I preach "less is more" in my profession as a designer, yet I clutter up my very own projected image… why?

I walked slowly towards the wall as the first part of the routine.

Something always brings me back to you…
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

I took my time dancing and really tried  becoming a part of the music.  I am the tenderness of the rhythm. I am both the sadness and the power of the lyrics.  I am beauty.  I am grace.  I am drawing on my memories to express the pain that I had been feeling.

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

I touched my body as if I was feeling the aches that are still plaguing me. Babying them.
I sighed quietly as if I am finally able to breathe for the first time. Fresh air felt liberating.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Why am I still so afraid to see myself? Why am I refusing to see myself?
Why do I hide behind the clutter that I fabricate?
I am afraid to let the authentic me to be seen by anyone, including myself.
I had been hiding her for the sake of protecting her and I have forgotten all about her.
Or where to look for me.

Oh, you loved me cuz I’m fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touched me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone

I have missed me, and didn’t realize how much I still do miss me.
I am tired of closing my eyes to myself.
So much so that I can’t even trust my emotional brain on who I see in the mirror as me anymore.
 

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Mourning the loss of what I once knew.
I want my dance movements to show my appreciation towards all I am able to feel.
Because I rather feel pain than nothing at all.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

I want to convert all these emotions into a continuous dance.
I want to set myself free with these movements, with my femininity.
It’s OK to have curves.  It’s OK to be me.
It’s fabulous to accept myself as I am.
 

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long  

This morning on the bus ride to work, I quietly thought about my dance last night.  It was the first time I was able to allow myself the completely freedom to feel.

It was the first time that I was really just dancing for me.
It didn’t matter if I was perfect in my routine or not.  
It was perfect for the first time because I finally gave myself the chance to be me.

Monday thru Thursday of last week, I was at a management excellence training where all the attendees will sleep, eat and train in a hotel (I live only 12 miles away) and we are learning from 7am thru 10pm every day.  They call this type of training "Immersion" training.  I really got to learn about my strengths, weaknesses, and what I need to do to become a better leader.  It's a very awesome training and I am impressed the amount of time and $$ that GSC is willing to invest into its people. 

4-5 of my friends are now on P90X.  I've sick a lot the last two months and have not worked out since right before Thanksgiving.  I am mustering up motivation to start working out again as a part of my daily nutrious requirement.  I want to incorporate 2 nights of my own dance practice into my weekly workout so I am at least having fun and getting better at pole dancing.

My dogs have been little destructors.  I now need to add an extra minute of preparing before I leave the house.  Putting away all items that can be chewed up or remove them from the reach of small dogs.  [As I was typing this, Chewie just humped Solo's head.  Haha]  Oh, Chewie is going in Thursday to get spayed.  Hopefully the humping will go away too.

Sunday started with meeting friends for vegetarian food in Capital Hill.  We then went for meat and beer immediately afterward because we were jonsin' for non-veggies.  Then we decided to go on a field trip to Deja Vous, a local stip joint because me and @sabrigley are both taking pole dancing classes and wanted to see what "professional" do.

We were amazed with the beautiful badonkadonks we saw.  Wow.
But we were both very disappointed that none of the girls really did any pole work.
Our male friend disappeared for about 5 minutes with one of the strippers.  Hee hee.
It was funny because @sabrigley and I were looking at the strip teases from more a technical point of view.
We were both like, oh ok, she is now doing a hip flirt, and a Cleopatra.  Haha.  Nerds.

After that @sabrigley and I decided to go shopping while our male friend went to meet another friend for a movie.
We went and bought some delicious naughty nickers. 
Who doesn't wanna be sexy underneath all that clothinig even if no one sees 'em but you? :)

Then we went to meet another male friend for sushi cuz we wanted buy him dinner to thank him for driving us all around town when we were in LA.
It was a feast! 
I ran into a Brightkite friend for the first time in real life and he bought us all oyster shooters!
I had a wakame salad (seaweed) while my friends had spinach salads.
I started feeling very sick within 5 minutes.
I ate a bit more but then had to stop and run to the bathroom to dry heave a few times.
I felt bad but I had to get home.
@sabrigley and I caught a cab to where our cars were parked.
I drove like a mad woman home.
Ran inside the house as fast as I could.
Discoverd that Solo had been sick too.  There were a couple piles of diahrrhea :(
The smell drove me to the edge.
I ran for the bathroom...
My very expensive dinner shot out of me mouth into the porcelain goddess.

Ugh...

I was shaking, aching, feeling pain all over.
Food poisoning. 

I've been really trying to spend less time mindlessly wondering around and get more focused as I realized that it has become such a huge distraction for me.

I am still online but at least I'm doing productive things (like paying bills, emailing, researching). 

On the nation front:
Here's a shout out to everyone that is over 18 and voted.  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.  Regardless who you voted for, it is absolutely awesome that you took the time and exercised your right to vote.

In Seattle, everyone is super stoked about our newly elected President Obama.  We cannot wait to see the positive changes that are coming.  Yay!

On the work front:
I feel like I'm on track to get back to where I was at 100% 3 years ago.  I'm happy with my team, and especially happy with my new manager.  For the first time in my life, I feel like I really have a great mentor/manager that does care about my growth.  Today, he said that from the last month of observation, he sees that I have the most potential, but also have lots "whirlwind" happening around me.  He said that is unusual and we talked about some stuff and he made suggestions on how we can start tackling those whirlwinds and really help me grow.  He even suggested 3 books for me to read.  I am so thankful that I finally have a manager that is an excellent leader and really cares about his people.

On the life front:
Me and @sabrigley decided to have a FB marriage after attending our friend's wedding last weekend in LA (in which I was the ordained minister).  We had our first "staff meating" yesterday evening - our code word for eat some beef and pole dance! Hahaha!  I am very iron deficient so my doctor told me that I have to eat more red meat. @sabrigley started taking pole dance class after I invited her to an open house.  In support of both endeavors, we came up with the idea of weekly "Staff Meating".  :)  @sabrigley is such an awesome person.

On the dog front:
Solo is no longer allowed to sleep on the bed with me.  She is disobedient even after the expensive bootcamp because she thinks she is the alpha.  Well, no more. :)  Chewie at this point still sleeps on the bed with me because surprisingly (and probalby due to breed), she wants to please me and always come to me when I call her.  She is now learning to sit and down.

That's all for now.  I'm gonna drive my ass home so I can do my new workout - the Ten Minute Trainer (which kicked my ass yesterday).  It's made by the same trainer that did p90x - the system that I used to get very fit in the first place.

More like starving, really.
Maybe a big cup of wholesome tomato soup, garlic bread and banana bread isn't enough for this body for lunch.

Need to go to my rental and pick up my mail. 
(um hello, my subscription to Penthouse isn't being forwarded... wtf?! hahaha!)
My tenants are pretty cool people and they are taking care of the house for me nicely since they are general contractors!  Woot & score for me.  I feel lucky that they aren't destroying the house like the one of the previous tenants (they did not vacuum or clean up any spills, which destroyed the carpet for the entire house).

Halloween is coming up and I need a costume.  I don't know why I always wait until last minute to do this.  Maybe I'll get a costume that I can also wear for pole dancing.  Hee hee.

I've been pulling out more white hairs again lately outta my head.  It feels like I'm aging rapidly.  The weird thing is, you can tell where the black color is fading into the white.  I must be stressed out.  Hence the breakouts too.

The zero gravity chair is ossm!  I've been taking lots of naps in it and I don't wanna get up from it.  It really makes it feel like there is no pressure on your back at all.

Been over-sleeping a lot more in the last few weeks and not wanting to do anything or be social.  :(  Stupid sadness... but I know I'll get over it soon as this is kinda a hard time for me right now (see previous post).

OK, time for me to go pick up my porn mags. Haha.

In the last month, I noticed how sore I was getting everyday from doing... nothing.  I was in much great pain like I used to be with all my muscles shouting at me.  I self medicated one weekend and zoned out and it did help temporarily.  Then I remember how it's been like almost 2 months since I worked out to my DVDs (basically right before I went to Kauai and then got really sick for like a month after I got back).  Don't get me wrong, pole dancing is a good workout but I really only go to class once a week and practice on my own here and there.  The DVDs made me fit when I stuck to the routine and made me able to do more pushups than most boys combined.  Bwahaha.

So last night, I did my workout - Kenpo!  My body felt awesome!  My goal is to workout to my P90X DVDs at least 3 times a week in addition to walking the pups and pole dance classes.  Workout = Body feels no pain.  Besides, I am going back to Kauai in late November so I wanna make sure that I'm tip top shape for bikini time (and all the other times, but especially bikini times).

Another thing that I am doing now is to sleep by 10 or 1030.  OK, I broke that rule last night, but the 4 work nights prior I did well and got myself 8 hours of sleep per night. Yaye!  Well OK, except for Solo and Chewie kept waking me up every 2-3 hours to battle for the 2nd in command spot for like 30 - 45 minutes.  Yah, puppies :) That 2.4 lb dog is fierce I tell ya!  She leaps at the 30 lb Solo's head!  LEAP!  Haha.

My X-Pole has been shipped and I should get it between Aug 7 - 11!  Yaye!
This is a 45mm chrome portable dance dual pole (static and spinning) that I will put in the middle of the living room (getting rid of my dining room table and chairs for this).  I can practice at home!  Yaye!  Fun!! :D

I want to get these for when I'm good enough to wear heels and do the pole dance. Aren't they cute?

Promiscuous Fantasy

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