5 posts tagged “reflection”

It's so weird to think that a year ago today we were still married and I was still the dumb girl in love pretending that he still loved me pre-shit hit the fan Hawaiian vacation and crying anger fest.  I took him to our favorite (and very expensive) sushi restaurant for his 37th birthday, surprised him with special order dvd of this kooky show Let's Bowl, a KISS Destroyer record that I found, and The Police tickets.  Thinking back, my gifts to him were all very thoughtful and music-oriented to support his endeavors.  The Police concert was not as fun as I hoped since it occurred after we got back from Hawaii and he showed no affection towards me and was on his wooshy washy I don't know if I want to try at this marriage but I still love you but not in love with you rampage.  It was a very awkward and a desperate time in my life and I still remember how I felt like I was like fish out of water trying to suck air but couldn't.

It's so strange to see and live where my life is today compared to a year ago.  A year ago I thought I was going to try to start a family with Rocker.  A year ago, nothing else mattered except for him.  A year ago I had been dying inside and falling to the depth of depression even further.  A year ago I was physically weak and unhealthy and suffered almost daily migraines.  A year ago, my world as I knew it fell completely apart.

I still remember Rocker telling me how he asked for his boss' advice on our marriage and his boss said "if it's meant to be it's meant to be."  This came from a man that had his family living in Philly while he worked in Seattle... a man that invited Rocker out every night to talk business and got drunk with Rocker until dawn.  I remember thinking, wow, "if it's meant to be?"  and told Rocker that that is something someone say when they want to give up or when things are completely over to make themselves feel better.

Almost a year later now and I am still recovering.  He was the love of my life.  He was my best friend.  Today we're merely acquaintances that chit-chat lightly about our ex-co-owned pets and money issues that arise due to the divorce.  How strange it is that someone was an integral part of your world is no longer?

I feel like I've risen from the dead, I have been reborn.  Parts of me are still renewing itself and parts of me are still recovering slowly from the anguish, the pain, the betrayal, the deliberate hurt, the yearning, the grief.  I've done a tremendous amount of thinking and I believe a tremendous amount of growth. I still don't have all my shit together but I know I am constantly getting better.  I make mistakes but I try to not repeat them and learn from them.  I love myself now for the first time ever and I can say it without crossing my fingers.  I believe that love does conquer all and compassion is the key to deep understanding and trust.

The divorce is perhaps a blessing in disguise.  Everything happens for a reason that we may not comprehend at the time.  Even with all the trauma I still wouldn't change a thing.  I needed a wake up call and I am thankful that I was able to recognize the opportunity for growth within.  I am doing all the things that I didn't think I was going to be able to accomplish when I first moved out in October.  I am having fun.  I am enjoying life.

He told me recently he was very lonely and I feel very sad for him.  He had it all but didn't want to look within to figure out how to fill his void.  He looked outward and found much distractions to instantly satisfy.  He was a very good person when I met him and has changed into someone I do not recognize the last 2 years.  He's still a good person I think and hope that he's finding his way back.  Part of me will always love him and as a friend, I wish him a very happy birthday and I hope that he finds true happiness in life.

a) Bad habit
b) Insomnia
c) Stupidity
d) Stubbornness
e) Reflecting on life
f) All of the above

The answer is f, all of the above.
I must find a way to manifest better habits.  BTW, I did not know that "stubbornness" is spelled with three double letters - I had to look up the correct spelling.  EngRish is difficult.

Although... I just want to say that even though I had/have a flu that is making me sicker than a doggie doo, I feel pretty OK emotionally today.  I realize that life is not perfect and will never be and I'm OK with that.  But it is the perfectionist quality that makes it so that I will want to keep experiencing/better life and strive to become a better person, always.  I think I have a pretty positive outlook (jaded at some stuff still), but generally, there's a lot less negativity.  Except for a few super drunken bouts of asking "why why why" while crying my eyes swollen shut, I don't think I've ever really felt sorry for myself.  Mostly just anger, hurt, lost, grief and a lot of wtf's.  I'm very proud of me for not making myself into a victim because I am not and don't ever wanna be. 

I also did not fall apart after spending a whole day with Rocker doing taxes on Saturday.  That is most triumphant.  We have to pay taxes which sucks but whatever, we'll figure out ways to pay it off.  Stupid IRS.  I feel like I'm being punished for working hard and making more $.  Why is it fair that I have to pay a higher percentage of tax when I'm still in the middle income bracket and I don't have ways to shelter my non-exist nest egg?  Anywho, don't get me started on government corruption and how our hard earn forced taken out tax money is being embezzled and miss-spent/mismanaged.

Oops I got sidetracked by ranting about the tax thing.

With me opening up to my mom more, I really am hoping to build a better relationship with her.  There has been some really bad shit that went down in the past and misunderstanding between me and her but I am starting to let it all go.  Mom is going to be 66 in April... 66!  Sometimes I forget she is in her mid-60's because she looks so young (like she's in her 40's).  I want to make sure that I spend as much time as possible with my mom... yah, it's been really tough lately because I need my space, but I am starting to come out of my shell for my family, especially with my mom, which is really good :)

OK it's 1am.  I want to see if I can get up early and go jogging (fingers crossed cuz i so suck at getting up early).  Nite y'all.

Seriously, maybe that is what I've become.

Because I really don't feel like I want to let anyone in my heart any more.
I yearn to be loved and love, but I also don't wanna let anyone get too close.

I mean, what is the point?

I loved recklessly and ended up with no one in love with me and I got tossed aside cuz I am no longer "interesting" to the person that was my world.

My last relationship really screwed me up royally in terms of trust.
I generally do just trust people and believe that everyone is inherently good.
But lately, when it comes to the matters of the heart, I just don't wanna give too much of myself.
I just don't wanna care and expect nothing so that I don't have to be disappointed because I WILL be disappointed so I might as well NOT care.

I never used to think like this but now...

I hate being single even though I am pretty happy as a single person.  I know that I was the happiest when I was in love and he was in love with me too.  Nothing tops that and I'm unsure if I will ever be in love again.

Sometimes I feel like I'm damaged goods and I need to have a fire sale.

As I mentioned before, my mortgage broker is also the first boy who I ever kissed (or taught me all about kissing).  I had to meet him at Kinko's this morning to hand over signed loan documents and make copies.  It was really weird seeing him after all these years.  The vibe that I got from him was that he was very nervous to see me.  After all, I was the hot girl that he dumped after a few weeks because I wasn't ready to do more than kissing (I was only 14 at the time).  And honestly, I took care a good care of myself physically/health-wise over the years as compared to him. We made some small talks and I felt like he wasn't comfortable looking at my eyes.  At one point, while he was copying, he said "You look really good, [Alixito]."  I said "thanks, us Asian people don't really age all that much."  To which he said, "that's why I married my wife."  They're expecting their first kid together in mid-March (he has 2 from a previous marriage). 

It's weird thinking back at what people used to be like years ago and looking at what they are today.  Back then, he was a skinny kid that came from a single parent family who wore a black leather jacket, had a blond mullet, and wore one earring.  He was the new sophomore transfer student who played tuba and the first boy to openly tell me that he liked me.  He was always funny and friendly but wasn't all that confident even though he tried to pretend that nothing bothered him.  He was a sweet talker and hated studying and wasn't one of the kids that you'd think would become successful based on the conventional signs for future success.  Now he's a successful small business owner with a lovely wife and kids.  I'm really happy for him :)

Like a kid that totes around his favorite stuffed animal with him everywhere.  Love.  Pure love.  Just wants me to be near him at all times and be there for him at every event in his life.  Lots of hugs and kisses and affection. 

But I feel like a dirty beat up teddy bear that's leftover in the 5 cent box from a garage sale that no one wants.  Maybe someday someone very special will pick me out of that box in the corner.

Part of the lyrics from When Somebody Loved Me by Sarah McLachlan (Toy Story 2)

When Somebody Loves Me Everything Was Beautiful
Every Hour We Spent Together Lives Within My Heart
And When She Was Sad I Was There To Dry Her Tears
And When She Was Happy So Was I
When She Loved Me