23 posts tagged “rocker”
Owie. Heart hurts.
Cried all the way home from a night of karaoke with friends.
The karaoke was really fun.
Guys wanted to buy me drinks (I turned 'em all down).
One made me take his phone number (I've lost it already).
Got talking with Brazil about stuff.
Recalling that this time last year I was stuck in Hawaii.
Tossed away like trash by the person that was my world.
Thought that we were on a vacation to change our world by trying to get knocked up.
Instead I was told that "I am not in love with you any more and I'm not sure if I want to try."
Such harsh words.
Like millions of salted daggers in my chest.
Hemorrhaging everything that was of value in the marriage.
I died that day and lost everything I knew.
Pain became a constant.
I wanted it stop.
Losing a lover and a best friend.
I'm still mourning.
Owie.
I hurt.
In my heart, I hurt.
I cried on the drive home tonight.
It was overdue.
It's so weird to think that a year ago today we were still married and I was still the dumb girl in love pretending that he still loved me pre-shit hit the fan Hawaiian vacation and crying anger fest. I took him to our favorite (and very expensive) sushi restaurant for his 37th birthday, surprised him with special order dvd of this kooky show Let's Bowl, a KISS Destroyer record that I found, and The Police tickets. Thinking back, my gifts to him were all very thoughtful and music-oriented to support his endeavors. The Police concert was not as fun as I hoped since it occurred after we got back from Hawaii and he showed no affection towards me and was on his wooshy washy I don't know if I want to try at this marriage but I still love you but not in love with you rampage. It was a very awkward and a desperate time in my life and I still remember how I felt like I was like fish out of water trying to suck air but couldn't.
It's so strange to see and live where my life is today compared to a year ago. A year ago I thought I was going to try to start a family with Rocker. A year ago, nothing else mattered except for him. A year ago I had been dying inside and falling to the depth of depression even further. A year ago I was physically weak and unhealthy and suffered almost daily migraines. A year ago, my world as I knew it fell completely apart.
I still remember Rocker telling me how he asked for his boss' advice on our marriage and his boss said "if it's meant to be it's meant to be." This came from a man that had his family living in Philly while he worked in Seattle... a man that invited Rocker out every night to talk business and got drunk with Rocker until dawn. I remember thinking, wow, "if it's meant to be?" and told Rocker that that is something someone say when they want to give up or when things are completely over to make themselves feel better.
Almost a year later now and I am still recovering. He was the love of my life. He was my best friend. Today we're merely acquaintances that chit-chat lightly about our ex-co-owned pets and money issues that arise due to the divorce. How strange it is that someone was an integral part of your world is no longer?
I feel like I've risen from the dead, I have been reborn. Parts of me are still renewing itself and parts of me are still recovering slowly from the anguish, the pain, the betrayal, the deliberate hurt, the yearning, the grief. I've done a tremendous amount of thinking and I believe a tremendous amount of growth. I still don't have all my shit together but I know I am constantly getting better. I make mistakes but I try to not repeat them and learn from them. I love myself now for the first time ever and I can say it without crossing my fingers. I believe that love does conquer all and compassion is the key to deep understanding and trust.
The divorce is perhaps a blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason that we may not comprehend at the time. Even with all the trauma I still wouldn't change a thing. I needed a wake up call and I am thankful that I was able to recognize the opportunity for growth within. I am doing all the things that I didn't think I was going to be able to accomplish when I first moved out in October. I am having fun. I am enjoying life.
He told me recently he was very lonely and I feel very sad for him. He had it all but didn't want to look within to figure out how to fill his void. He looked outward and found much distractions to instantly satisfy. He was a very good person when I met him and has changed into someone I do not recognize the last 2 years. He's still a good person I think and hope that he's finding his way back. Part of me will always love him and as a friend, I wish him a very happy birthday and I hope that he finds true happiness in life.
So tired. Up at 1:30am then back to sleep at 4:30am. Up again at 6:00am. I'm swell and more so if I actually got some regular sleep pattern down. The grilled ham and cheese sandwich probably did not help either. Yawn.
Rocker's grandma passed away last Friday due to very aggressive liver cancer. She was like my own grandma and have always accepted me as one of her very own grandkids. I have had the pleasure of spending summer days and Xmas holidays with her and I will always cherish those memories. I am sad that I won't be attending the funeral given the circumstance but I know that she knows I have always loved her and always will.
Can I please go home for the day now? I'm useless right now anyway.
Yes.
I am so happy about my upcoming move to my new place and really start living a new lifestyle.
I am so sad about selling the last big piece of what Rocker and I had together. 9 years we've owned this house together, out of that, we lived in it for 3.5 years. It was the longest stay at one place during the course of our relationship. We were very happy here and had a lot of fun.
I need to move on. I want to move on. I cried really hard today in therapy as I was relating this. I haven't really cried much in March... guess it's long overdue.
After the move and the sales of the current house (I hope it's fast), I will really be able to start fresh.
a) Bad habit
b) Insomnia
c) Stupidity
d) Stubbornness
e) Reflecting on life
f) All of the above
The answer is f, all of the above.
I must find a way to manifest better habits. BTW, I did not know that "stubbornness" is spelled with three double letters - I had to look up the correct spelling. EngRish is difficult.
Although... I just want to say that even though I had/have a flu that is making me sicker than a doggie doo, I feel pretty OK emotionally today. I realize that life is not perfect and will never be and I'm OK with that. But it is the perfectionist quality that makes it so that I will want to keep experiencing/better life and strive to become a better person, always. I think I have a pretty positive outlook (jaded at some stuff still), but generally, there's a lot less negativity. Except for a few super drunken bouts of asking "why why why" while crying my eyes swollen shut, I don't think I've ever really felt sorry for myself. Mostly just anger, hurt, lost, grief and a lot of wtf's. I'm very proud of me for not making myself into a victim because I am not and don't ever wanna be.
I also did not fall apart after spending a whole day with Rocker doing taxes on Saturday. That is most triumphant. We have to pay taxes which sucks but whatever, we'll figure out ways to pay it off. Stupid IRS. I feel like I'm being punished for working hard and making more $. Why is it fair that I have to pay a higher percentage of tax when I'm still in the middle income bracket and I don't have ways to shelter my non-exist nest egg? Anywho, don't get me started on government corruption and how our hard earn forced taken out tax money is being embezzled and miss-spent/mismanaged.
Oops I got sidetracked by ranting about the tax thing.
With me opening up to my mom more, I really am hoping to build a better relationship with her. There has been some really bad shit that went down in the past and misunderstanding between me and her but I am starting to let it all go. Mom is going to be 66 in April... 66! Sometimes I forget she is in her mid-60's because she looks so young (like she's in her 40's). I want to make sure that I spend as much time as possible with my mom... yah, it's been really tough lately because I need my space, but I am starting to come out of my shell for my family, especially with my mom, which is really good :)
OK it's 1am. I want to see if I can get up early and go jogging (fingers crossed cuz i so suck at getting up early). Nite y'all.
Boxes of stuff have been scattered around my house since I moved here in early October. I have moved 5 times in the last 5 years and have this fear that if I unpack then I'll have to pack up again and move. But unpacking is also an act of settling into a new life and I am trying to look at it that way.
4 boxes down... lots more to go. I'll do what I can.
Rocker was just over earlier today to help me hook up my printer and my PC desktop that has been out of commission for almost a year. I weeped quietly for a little bit while he was downloading patches for my PC because it's just very weird... him being in the other room, who was the most crucial person in 1/3 of my life thus far and now we're just platonic friends.
It is still painful to be reminded of what once was and what might have been.
I will make lemon ice cream, lemon chicken, and lemon bubble gum out of lemons. Who'd thought that I can be so creative with lemons?
It's noon and I'm still in bed and still crying.
My dog is crying too cuz she wants/needs to be walked.
In an hour I have to go pick up my mom from my brother Esquire's house so we can attend my niece's (ID's kid) 1st birthday party.
There will be a whole bunch of friends there who will be asking me "How's Rocker?!"
What am I gonna say? "He's fine and on a business trip?"
I don't wanna go and face people today. But I must keep moving and not dwell in my misery.
Yesterday when I stopped by old job and some people asked me about Rocker I kindly said that we aren't together any more. I did not enjoy seeing the shock on people's faces. All I ever wanted was to be with Rocker and all I ever did was talk about what a great guy he was. Of course people were shocked. Hell, I am shocked too. But I've got to keep moving.
Today's song is "Running" by No Doubt.
Run
Running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side
Me
I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
I'm so sorry that I've fallen
Help me up lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love
[Chorus:]
Running, running
As fast as we can
Do you think we'll make it?
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running
Keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated
Be
Be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me
Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up
[Repeat chorus twice]
(The future)
[Repeat chorus]
It's one of those nights when you just don't know what the fuck and you just want to cry. Reflecting on what happened in your life and crying because you had no control over it. Sad because you had thought that it was going according to plan but really, you were just fooling yourself. Heartbroken because you thought that the person that once mattered the most to you actually cared and wanted you to be a part of his future plan. He was your world, but you weren't his... in fact, you never were.
No.
I am not going to plan my life anymore.
I am just going to accept what is and be open to whatever happens.
Desire is the root of all suffering.
I am trying my best NOT to desire, especially when it comes to free will. I will gladly accept what's given to me and NOT desire what's not given. I will love with all my heart and hope to be loved back equally... someday.
I want to love and be loved. It's really all I ever wanted and now I am without.
It is a horrible feeling to finally accept the fact that your love wasn't getting through at all because the other person wasn't willing to let anyone into his heart. It is so sad to see that someone you once loved, who is really an awesome person, suffer so much because he isn't willing to let his guard down to be fully loved and be accepted for who he is. He doesn't know how to love and accept himself... I'm the only person that's ever believed in him even when he didn't believe in himself. I see the light in his heart when no one else did or wanted to.
I hope he finds his way and I wish the best for him.
He's damaged me and hurt me beyond my imagination.
I am recovering... slowly... but I am.
I have days when it just sucks big time. Tonight is one of them. I cried uncontrollably. I needed to. :'(
Love you guys. <3
My friend Velly Good Looking asked me go to this wine tasting event this evening in Belltown at this place called the Local Vine. Our friend Rock Vixen joined us too and it was just really awesome to see them both. You see, I met both of these two friends through Rocker, and they have both reached out to me since I've become single. It's pretty cool that they both like me for me, and not because they had to like me because I was attached to Rocker. Velly Good Looking is an HR violation -- totally flaming gay and hilariously funny. He kept daring me to go ask guys for their names (for him) and find out if they're straight or gay. I of course, being the brave fool, did inquire for him all evening. It was pretty funny.
The food at the event was also very yummy - I had plenty to eat, and drink, and purchased 5 bottles of wine (3 to be picked up). I love wine, and good beer. Seattle rules for having both.
Toward the end of the event, Velly Good Looking, myself and his friend Proby got talking about love and relationships and wtf does it all mean? Yah, really, what does it all mean and why do some relationships work (in a fabulous way) and some just fall apart even when everyone else thought that it might have worked (like mine). Here are some of what I've learned from my past experiences and what I have observed.
- Love does conquer all, if both people are IN love with each other.
- You can only love someone else as much as you love yourself. Otherwise you shift the love that you need for yourself to the other person and over time you'll end up hating both of you.
- There are a lot of broken hearted people in this world that have loved and been very hurt by it, whether it is from a love relationship or from their parents. Hurt causes walls to go up. But if protecting oneself is more important than letting go to accept love and give love, then one will never be able to truly be in love.
- Being in love is the best thing that I've felt in my life and because of it, I have been hurt more than I could have imagined. But I will not hesitate to love with all my heart again because it is worth it.
- Love has helped me to forgive quickly.
- Ultimately, everyone wants to love and be loved. At the same time, we just want to be loved for everything that we are, and everything we aren't. We just want to be accepted for who we are and loved for who we are.
- Finding that special someone that you love and reciprocate your love is an extremely rare thing in life. Why people don't cherish that and take it for granted is beyond my comprehension.
Do I want love? Yes of course. But I want love with someone that reciprocates my love. I want to take care of them and let them take care of me too. I want a partnership in life.
Just got back from karaokeing in Seattle with my friends from my last job. What a great bunch of people -- I totally miss them. I am also really happy that I do not work in that super stressed out environment any longer - no regrets for leaving that job. It was so stressful because no one trusted anyone and it was eating me alive inside, and changing me into someone I despise. I am happy to be where I am at right now. Plus, Earth Child and I just work so well together and she is a really great, genuine, and fun person. I sang "Sunday Morning" by No Doubt, and duet of "A Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler with my friend Rebah, and the title song by Samantha Fox. Fun times.
Rocker called me yesterday around 3am my time while he's laid over for 6 hours. I hope he calls me again soon. :(
