27 posts tagged “rocker”
Remember back in junior high and learning Geometry? Remember Theroms and Givens?
Givens is just what it is, the data that you can use to prove a therom exists. (OK, if I remember correctly cuz this is like over 20 years ago).
My sensors for givens have been pretty effed up so that when a guy is nice to me like any human is being nice to another human, in my head I think that they are being especially nice to me. So, I'm trying to relearn what is the given of nice when it comes to being in a dating relationship. Make sense?
I feel like since my revelation I have been going through a life makeover. Starting with job, fitness, mental state, and of course, way I look at/think about things. It's weird in a great way because all that anger I had harbored towards my ex has also gone away. I no longer feel hurt when I think about him. Yes, sadness, but in a good way, like anyone would be sad for saying goodbye to a third of their life. Life is good again. I am happy again - and not bouncing between the extreme highs and lows. :)
It is very interesting to me in question #4 of the questionnaire that most people thought asking someone to quit their job is deemed as unreasonable even though that someone was the one that said "I'll do anything to save this marriage." I was presented with that statement in the summer of '07 and I did ask my ex- to quit his job because it was eating him and our relationship alive. One of his direct report had just quit his job 4 months prior because that job was causing marital problems at his home because he was spending so much time at work and on work while he's not at work.
A lot of people say that family is the most important thing to them, but it looks as if most of us will make excuses when it comes to a career, or means to make money. Granted, everyone's situation is different, but I wasn't trying to make my ex miserable by asking him to quit his job. I asked him to quit because he was putting everything way above our marriage, especially his job. I can see that he was being seduced by power and he was turning into someone that I do not know any longer. I wanted him to get a different job at a different company that values work-life balance. It wasn't a cold turkey quit your job tomorrow thing. You know? He, of course, freaked out and said he can't do that. I then asked him to talk with his manager about working less hours so he can work on his marriage. He said he can't do that either. I then asked "then why did you say you would do anything?" Because it is a lie. Don't say you'll do anything to save something when you know that just isn't true.
There are people who value their family. My current boss, for instance, will not check his email in the evenings or over the weekend because his top priority is his family and work, along with everything else falls second. I will never say "I'll do anything for you" when I know that anything can be, well, anything, and I'm just not prepared or want to do just anything. But it was a good lesson for me to learn, and further proof that my ex valued his job / power more than he valued our marriage.
There will always going to be something that will hurt no matter how much time has elapsed.
Then one day, that hurt will hurt less, but never completely. It never becomes pain free.
Apparently those are the symptoms of my heart.
You never forget what was, what could have been, what was built, and what was destroyed so quickly.
You hope to make sense of it all, to make the best education out of it.
And you try to remember, what happiness taste like.
Hold on to the memory of that taste. Hold on.
This upcoming weekend is the 1-year anniversary from the weekend that I moved out of our house into my own place. No wonder I have been feeling out of sorts and melancholy lately. Can't believe how fast time flies. It's been a year already? It's been like lightning fast, and maybe it's because since I moved out, I've jam packed my life with social outings and things that I've always wanted to do for myself like traveling and dancing.
A year has past and I can honestly say that I do feel much better than where I was a year ago. I know that I am not totally healed yet and I still feel pain when I think about the past, but I know that I am stronger mentally and emotionally than I was this time last year. I've met some really great people and made some awesome friends. Experienced things that I never thought to be possible (for me).
I do feel lonely at times because I still don't have a best friend like I used have a best friend when my ex- was my best friend. But I'm learning to be my best friend and being good to myself and that is very important for me to learn too. Either way, life is better for sure. Happy anniversary to me.
Owie. Heart hurts.
Cried all the way home from a night of karaoke with friends.
The karaoke was really fun.
Guys wanted to buy me drinks (I turned 'em all down).
One made me take his phone number (I've lost it already).
Got talking with Brazil about stuff.
Recalling that this time last year I was stuck in Hawaii.
Tossed away like trash by the person that was my world.
Thought that we were on a vacation to change our world by trying to get knocked up.
Instead I was told that "I am not in love with you any more and I'm not sure if I want to try."
Such harsh words.
Like millions of salted daggers in my chest.
Hemorrhaging everything that was of value in the marriage.
I died that day and lost everything I knew.
Pain became a constant.
I wanted it stop.
Losing a lover and a best friend.
I'm still mourning.
Owie.
I hurt.
In my heart, I hurt.
I cried on the drive home tonight.
It was overdue.
It's so weird to think that a year ago today we were still married and I was still the dumb girl in love pretending that he still loved me pre-shit hit the fan Hawaiian vacation and crying anger fest. I took him to our favorite (and very expensive) sushi restaurant for his 37th birthday, surprised him with special order dvd of this kooky show Let's Bowl, a KISS Destroyer record that I found, and The Police tickets. Thinking back, my gifts to him were all very thoughtful and music-oriented to support his endeavors. The Police concert was not as fun as I hoped since it occurred after we got back from Hawaii and he showed no affection towards me and was on his wooshy washy I don't know if I want to try at this marriage but I still love you but not in love with you rampage. It was a very awkward and a desperate time in my life and I still remember how I felt like I was like fish out of water trying to suck air but couldn't.
It's so strange to see and live where my life is today compared to a year ago. A year ago I thought I was going to try to start a family with Rocker. A year ago, nothing else mattered except for him. A year ago I had been dying inside and falling to the depth of depression even further. A year ago I was physically weak and unhealthy and suffered almost daily migraines. A year ago, my world as I knew it fell completely apart.
I still remember Rocker telling me how he asked for his boss' advice on our marriage and his boss said "if it's meant to be it's meant to be." This came from a man that had his family living in Philly while he worked in Seattle... a man that invited Rocker out every night to talk business and got drunk with Rocker until dawn. I remember thinking, wow, "if it's meant to be?" and told Rocker that that is something someone say when they want to give up or when things are completely over to make themselves feel better.
Almost a year later now and I am still recovering. He was the love of my life. He was my best friend. Today we're merely acquaintances that chit-chat lightly about our ex-co-owned pets and money issues that arise due to the divorce. How strange it is that someone was an integral part of your world is no longer?
I feel like I've risen from the dead, I have been reborn. Parts of me are still renewing itself and parts of me are still recovering slowly from the anguish, the pain, the betrayal, the deliberate hurt, the yearning, the grief. I've done a tremendous amount of thinking and I believe a tremendous amount of growth. I still don't have all my shit together but I know I am constantly getting better. I make mistakes but I try to not repeat them and learn from them. I love myself now for the first time ever and I can say it without crossing my fingers. I believe that love does conquer all and compassion is the key to deep understanding and trust.
The divorce is perhaps a blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason that we may not comprehend at the time. Even with all the trauma I still wouldn't change a thing. I needed a wake up call and I am thankful that I was able to recognize the opportunity for growth within. I am doing all the things that I didn't think I was going to be able to accomplish when I first moved out in October. I am having fun. I am enjoying life.
He told me recently he was very lonely and I feel very sad for him. He had it all but didn't want to look within to figure out how to fill his void. He looked outward and found much distractions to instantly satisfy. He was a very good person when I met him and has changed into someone I do not recognize the last 2 years. He's still a good person I think and hope that he's finding his way back. Part of me will always love him and as a friend, I wish him a very happy birthday and I hope that he finds true happiness in life.
So tired. Up at 1:30am then back to sleep at 4:30am. Up again at 6:00am. I'm swell and more so if I actually got some regular sleep pattern down. The grilled ham and cheese sandwich probably did not help either. Yawn.
Rocker's grandma passed away last Friday due to very aggressive liver cancer. She was like my own grandma and have always accepted me as one of her very own grandkids. I have had the pleasure of spending summer days and Xmas holidays with her and I will always cherish those memories. I am sad that I won't be attending the funeral given the circumstance but I know that she knows I have always loved her and always will.
Can I please go home for the day now? I'm useless right now anyway.
Yes.
I am so happy about my upcoming move to my new place and really start living a new lifestyle.
I am so sad about selling the last big piece of what Rocker and I had together. 9 years we've owned this house together, out of that, we lived in it for 3.5 years. It was the longest stay at one place during the course of our relationship. We were very happy here and had a lot of fun.
I need to move on. I want to move on. I cried really hard today in therapy as I was relating this. I haven't really cried much in March... guess it's long overdue.
After the move and the sales of the current house (I hope it's fast), I will really be able to start fresh.
a) Bad habit
b) Insomnia
c) Stupidity
d) Stubbornness
e) Reflecting on life
f) All of the above
The answer is f, all of the above.
I must find a way to manifest better habits. BTW, I did not know that "stubbornness" is spelled with three double letters - I had to look up the correct spelling. EngRish is difficult.
Although... I just want to say that even though I had/have a flu that is making me sicker than a doggie doo, I feel pretty OK emotionally today. I realize that life is not perfect and will never be and I'm OK with that. But it is the perfectionist quality that makes it so that I will want to keep experiencing/better life and strive to become a better person, always. I think I have a pretty positive outlook (jaded at some stuff still), but generally, there's a lot less negativity. Except for a few super drunken bouts of asking "why why why" while crying my eyes swollen shut, I don't think I've ever really felt sorry for myself. Mostly just anger, hurt, lost, grief and a lot of wtf's. I'm very proud of me for not making myself into a victim because I am not and don't ever wanna be.
I also did not fall apart after spending a whole day with Rocker doing taxes on Saturday. That is most triumphant. We have to pay taxes which sucks but whatever, we'll figure out ways to pay it off. Stupid IRS. I feel like I'm being punished for working hard and making more $. Why is it fair that I have to pay a higher percentage of tax when I'm still in the middle income bracket and I don't have ways to shelter my non-exist nest egg? Anywho, don't get me started on government corruption and how our hard earn forced taken out tax money is being embezzled and miss-spent/mismanaged.
Oops I got sidetracked by ranting about the tax thing.
With me opening up to my mom more, I really am hoping to build a better relationship with her. There has been some really bad shit that went down in the past and misunderstanding between me and her but I am starting to let it all go. Mom is going to be 66 in April... 66! Sometimes I forget she is in her mid-60's because she looks so young (like she's in her 40's). I want to make sure that I spend as much time as possible with my mom... yah, it's been really tough lately because I need my space, but I am starting to come out of my shell for my family, especially with my mom, which is really good :)
OK it's 1am. I want to see if I can get up early and go jogging (fingers crossed cuz i so suck at getting up early). Nite y'all.
Boxes of stuff have been scattered around my house since I moved here in early October. I have moved 5 times in the last 5 years and have this fear that if I unpack then I'll have to pack up again and move. But unpacking is also an act of settling into a new life and I am trying to look at it that way.
4 boxes down... lots more to go. I'll do what I can.
Rocker was just over earlier today to help me hook up my printer and my PC desktop that has been out of commission for almost a year. I weeped quietly for a little bit while he was downloading patches for my PC because it's just very weird... him being in the other room, who was the most crucial person in 1/3 of my life thus far and now we're just platonic friends.
It is still painful to be reminded of what once was and what might have been.
I will make lemon ice cream, lemon chicken, and lemon bubble gum out of lemons. Who'd thought that I can be so creative with lemons?
