25 posts tagged “sadness”

I found out today that a previously very close friend of mine have locked down her twitter account and unfriended me in Facebook. There were previously misunderstandings but I thought we passed them because she told me that she forgave me and we were good. She even referred to me as her best friend. I guess it's all lip service. It is still hard for me to understand when people just end relationships like this so abruptly, without any explanation.

True friends are suppose to love/accept/forgive you no matter what and try work things out with you. I guess my definition of what a true friend is doesn't apply to other people's definitions and I need to realize that.

My life is full of mistakes, and I know that. But I welcome those mistakes so that I can learn from them and grow from them. I never ever do anything knowingly hurtful on purpose, ever. It's just not who I am. If you are a true friend to someone, you will do what it takes to be a true friend, even if it means telling them how they fucked up and hurt you so that they can realize and understand. Then you both can work pass this. I guess my friendship really is worth nothing to some people and it really saddens me.

Been doing really well the last 6 months and the last time I saw my therapist (about a month ago), she and I decided that it is time to lower my anti-depressant dosage.  I've been doing pretty well except for the last week.  It's been a bit more difficult again to deal with the day to day emotional stuff. This depression thing is baffling to me.  I know my life is going well and I am well loved and have tons of fun, but the chemistry in my brain makes it so that I don't feel good.  How effe'd up is that?

I am telling you this so you know, and I know.
I continue to deal with life, at a lower dosage of meds because I was doing so good on a heavier dosage and now it's time to wear a less thick armor of coat around my heart / emotions.
It's the next stage in the evolution of healing and rid of depression once and for all.
But in the meantime, I am definitely more fragile emotionally.
I cried repeatedly today at work (quietly) while dealing with a friend over IM re some stupid drama.
I know that it wasn't a big deal but I couldn't help myself but cry cuz it felt so painful in my heart.
I literally have not cried like this in a while.

When a person deals with depression, these negative emotions get magnified.
It's really messed up and I have no control over it.
All I am doing is tapping into the love and compassion I have for myself and remembering that I am confident and able to deal with anything. I have before, I just have to learn to do it again until it becomes very natural to me.

I don't normally talk about this stuff because of a general lack of understanding around the issue of depression by pretty much everyone including myself.  But I need to because it is healthier if I do.

I'm doing my best and forgetting the rest. Being good to myself. Being kind to myself. Loving myself. I will not forget to do these things even if the negative monster is trying to cover up everything with gloom.  I will overcome this, and I am asking for your love and compassion for me and anyone that you know who is battling with depression.

That is all.

In my pole dance classes, the last 15 minutes is usually saved for individual routine performances. These tiny recitals in front of other students are a terrific way to  appreciate each other’s differences, and maybe your own.  I’ve always had a very difficult time settling down my mind and be comfortable really dancing in front of anyone.  I always felt like I had to put on a show… kinda like how my life really has been for me… for a long while now. To appease and hide anything negative.  

Before I started my routine last night, my teacher spoke to me privately and advised me: less is more.  She told me that I am a beautiful woman and don’t need any of that extra stuff to show it.  Just do the basics and let the beauty flow out on its own.  She asked to see the “real” Alix.  I did exactly what she advised me to do and I chose to dance my routine to Sarah Bareilles’ “Gravity”.  This had been a song that I loved to dance to alone, in the privacy of my own home.  I hadn’t had the courage to dance to this song in front of others because the lyrics are very haunting to me and speaks honestly to how raw my heart still feels, almost 2 years after my breakup with my ex.

I took a deep breath and thought to myself how I preach "less is more" in my profession as a designer, yet I clutter up my very own projected image… why?

I walked slowly towards the wall as the first part of the routine.

Something always brings me back to you…
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

I took my time dancing and really tried  becoming a part of the music.  I am the tenderness of the rhythm. I am both the sadness and the power of the lyrics.  I am beauty.  I am grace.  I am drawing on my memories to express the pain that I had been feeling.

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

I touched my body as if I was feeling the aches that are still plaguing me. Babying them.
I sighed quietly as if I am finally able to breathe for the first time. Fresh air felt liberating.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Why am I still so afraid to see myself? Why am I refusing to see myself?
Why do I hide behind the clutter that I fabricate?
I am afraid to let the authentic me to be seen by anyone, including myself.
I had been hiding her for the sake of protecting her and I have forgotten all about her.
Or where to look for me.

Oh, you loved me cuz I’m fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touched me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone

I have missed me, and didn’t realize how much I still do miss me.
I am tired of closing my eyes to myself.
So much so that I can’t even trust my emotional brain on who I see in the mirror as me anymore.
 

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Mourning the loss of what I once knew.
I want my dance movements to show my appreciation towards all I am able to feel.
Because I rather feel pain than nothing at all.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

I want to convert all these emotions into a continuous dance.
I want to set myself free with these movements, with my femininity.
It’s OK to have curves.  It’s OK to be me.
It’s fabulous to accept myself as I am.
 

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long  

This morning on the bus ride to work, I quietly thought about my dance last night.  It was the first time I was able to allow myself the completely freedom to feel.

It was the first time that I was really just dancing for me.
It didn’t matter if I was perfect in my routine or not.  
It was perfect for the first time because I finally gave myself the chance to be me.

Have you seen some of the depression medication commercials on TV?
For example, a woman pretending everything is OK and fine in front of her family and kids but inside she is falling apart?

I relate.

I feel that way today.  I am hurting massively inside today.  Emotional pain manifesting as physical aches around the chest area + muscles hurting.

There will always going to be something that will hurt no matter how much time has elapsed. 
Then one day, that hurt will hurt less, but never completely.  It never becomes pain free.
Apparently those are the symptoms of my heart.

You never forget what was, what could have been, what was built, and what was destroyed so quickly.
You hope to make sense of it all, to make the best education out of it.
And you try to remember, what happiness taste like.

Hold on to the memory of that taste.  Hold on.

More like starving, really.
Maybe a big cup of wholesome tomato soup, garlic bread and banana bread isn't enough for this body for lunch.

Need to go to my rental and pick up my mail. 
(um hello, my subscription to Penthouse isn't being forwarded... wtf?! hahaha!)
My tenants are pretty cool people and they are taking care of the house for me nicely since they are general contractors!  Woot & score for me.  I feel lucky that they aren't destroying the house like the one of the previous tenants (they did not vacuum or clean up any spills, which destroyed the carpet for the entire house).

Halloween is coming up and I need a costume.  I don't know why I always wait until last minute to do this.  Maybe I'll get a costume that I can also wear for pole dancing.  Hee hee.

I've been pulling out more white hairs again lately outta my head.  It feels like I'm aging rapidly.  The weird thing is, you can tell where the black color is fading into the white.  I must be stressed out.  Hence the breakouts too.

The zero gravity chair is ossm!  I've been taking lots of naps in it and I don't wanna get up from it.  It really makes it feel like there is no pressure on your back at all.

Been over-sleeping a lot more in the last few weeks and not wanting to do anything or be social.  :(  Stupid sadness... but I know I'll get over it soon as this is kinda a hard time for me right now (see previous post).

OK, time for me to go pick up my porn mags. Haha.

would have been my 7th year wedding anniversary if I hadn't divorced.

*sigh

Feeling a little poopy just thinking about it...

Other than that, I'm glad I'm doing way better than I was last year.

POO!

I feel like Poo. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

Good thing I redeem myself by NOT smelling like poo.  In fact, I smell like Sweet Pea (with praises to Body Shops yummy body spray).

Went to my therapy session after work and discussed with my therapist my current state of health.
Basically I started getting sick much more often after I moved to my new place and we started leveling down the dose of my medication because I was doing much better.  It's as if I'm finally at a safety place that I am able to let my guards down as I have been at such a heightened alert stress level for so long.  It's as if I'm allowing myself to become more vulnerable again.

I'm doing the best I can and sometimes it's hard to remember that.
It's OK to feel vulnerable.

I was really sad because I miss the best friend I used to have.
I miss having someone to share everything with - good news, bad news, silly nothings.
I miss having someone to always pick up my phone call or message me back right away because I am just that important to him.

It's OK to miss those things.
I've been missing those things for a few years now -- well, since the beginning of the end of the marriage in 2003, and that was also what kick started my depression.

I cried for the last 15 minutes of the therapy session.  It felt good to be honest to myself about these things and really feeling the pain, the hurt, the sadness, and the loneliness.  It was OK to accept that I am still broken inside and the good news is that I am putting myself back together (and progress is showing).

With my sore throat, fever, and tummy ache, I took myself to a mall and bought myself a few things pretty.  Fuck it, I wanted to treat myself (although this can't always be the case cuz I need to be fiscally responsible and I haven't really been at all).

Picked myself up 2 mini skirts (one red, one black), one of them sexy one shoulder asymmetrical tops, and a hoodie (I'm a sucker for hoodies).  Additionally, I got myself facial sunscreen and some tooth whitener stuff that really works.

Got home, walked my adorable dog for 30 minutes.
Cleaned up my kitchen (which was a disastrous area), folded 4 loads of laundry (my least favorite chore).
Did some work, and here I am on Vox.

I think it's time for bed.  I have an 8am meeting (who the fuck schedules an 8am meeting on a Friday, or really, any day?).

Cry

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Owie. Heart hurts.
Cried all the way home from a night of karaoke with friends.

The karaoke was really fun.
Guys wanted to buy me drinks (I turned 'em all down).
One made me take his phone number (I've lost it already).

Got talking with Brazil about stuff.
Recalling that this time last year I was stuck in Hawaii.
Tossed away like trash by the person that was my world.
Thought that we were on a vacation to change our world by trying to get knocked up.
Instead I was told that "I am not in love with you any more and I'm not sure if I want to try."

Such harsh words.
Like millions of salted daggers in my chest.
Hemorrhaging everything that was of value in the marriage.
I died that day and lost everything I knew.

Pain became a constant.
I wanted it stop.

Losing a lover and a best friend.
I'm still mourning.
Owie.
I hurt.
In my heart, I hurt.

I cried on the drive home tonight.
It was overdue.

I was just listening to one of my stations on Pandora and for the first time I carefully listened to the lyrics to Sarah McLachlan's "Stupid".  It describes exactly how I felt between May '07 and Jan '08.  A long time to feel that sorrowful.